Give me spirit fingers dammit!!

Exit Stage Left (or Right)

2006-10-02T22:04:00.000+08:00

It hasn't quite been 20 years but it's time to bid a tender goodbye and go gently into real life where many exciting new projects await. Thank you readers, thank you linesmen, thank you ball boys, thank you tormented artists masquerading as fashion designers, thank you celebrities and your vapid wanton ways, thank you for a real good time!

After 600-odd posts, it seems that there are no more words left to thump out, especially when confronted with an abomination such as this:

But don't despair it's not entirely over yet.

You can still catch me on Teh Interweb, churning out condensed matter on a daily basis. See you around and stay unfashionably clothed!

Happy Birthday China

2006-10-01T21:03:00.000+08:00

May the bricks of your enemies crumble into smithereens before your powerful forces

And may your pandas find the libido to multiply in Malthusian proportions

Good manicurists are hard to find these days

2006-09-29T23:20:00.000+08:00

Records broken by Lee Redmond other than world's longest fingernails

World's highest hairline

World's longest time taken to open a can of Coke

World's largest individual consumer of olive oil

World's most prolific eyegouger

World's largest collection of Gandalf hairpieces

World's craziest glint in eyes

World's most inefficient typist

World's most likely to freak someone out on a blind date

World's most washed out photo taken of the world's most sallow human being

The snuggest vinyl pants this side of town

Next update: Monday 2 September

A cook's best friend

2006-09-27T23:13:00.000+08:00

Any dog who's even the slightest bit fussy will tell you that dog food, for the most part, tastes atrocious. Artificial flavouring, preservatives, and other mystery chemicals combine to leave an unwanted aftertaste on the tongue.

Increasingly dogs are demanding that their owners learn some rudimentary skills in the kitchen before they even consider stepping inside the home for meals. If you know what's good for you and your pet's jaded palate, you will enrol yourself in a dog food cookery class faster than it takes for Lindsay Lohan to break up with her newest boyfriend. It is all the rage in Seoul where the prevailing sentiment seems to be, "check it out, we cook for dogs now".

Nothing gets the salivary glands more excited than using the finest and freshest ingredients. If only humans found meat hor d'oeuvres to be so intensely mesmerising.

Some pets have a very paws-on approach and like to be closely involved in the preparation stage. However master chefs recommend against this because of the danger of having knives around animals - instead of chopping the vegetables you could end up giving them an unfortunate haircut.

Sitting down to a homecooked meal and engaging in civilised conversation sure beats digging into prepackaged slop while watching tv. This dog says "What an amazing degustation menu that was! A divine melange of flavours and mouth-melting textures that I couldn't rate more highly. My compliments to the sommelier for an excellent choice of wines too."

And if that isn't enough every now and then you can surprise your pet with a triple-decker version of their favourite dish. After subjecting them to your tawdry games of dress-up the least you can do is make them something nice to eat.

Next update: Friday 29 September

Getting a foot in the door

2006-09-25T23:30:00.000+08:00

Tips on how to get past first round interviews for extremely competitive jobs

Well if you want to convince your prospective employer that you are capable of superhuman feats of productivity, then you need to start dressing more like a superhero. For example, my real name is Kathy but when I apply for jobs I go by the name Super-Retro-Sexy-Pantihose Girl. I also make sure that my cape is long to create aerodynamic lift but short enough to show off my ass. Make that my superhuman ass.

Recently I applied for a position at a very prestigious airline. I wanted to present the image of the ideal flight attendant so I tied a scarf neatly around my neck, secured my bust and displayed my flesh pockets. I got an offer but didn't end up taking it because I would have been expected to keep my navel covered up at all times during the flight. I don't keep it immaculately groomed for nothing you know!

I'm all about first impressions so I craft my own clothes to wear. I find that if my outfit is really stiff and paperlike then it makes it harder for me to let down my guard and say something uncalled for. The last thing I want to do is freak the interviewer out.

I prefer to do my interviews standing up because cheap vinyl doesn't bend that easily. But I usually end up missing my interview appointments anyway because I tend to underestimate the time needed to put on a pair of boots.

Nowadays you can't just coast by on good looks and strategically placed bits of pink fabric. You have to bring extra skills to the table. Like, in this instance the fortitude and foresight to put giant lovehearts on an otherwise mundane headset.

One very important thing I learnt is never ever dress up like how your boyfriend demands in the bedroom. Unless he is the one interviewing you of course.

Next update: Wednesday 27 September

New to the neighbourhood

2006-09-22T23:33:00.000+08:00

How to tell if your neighbours are not from around these parts

They potter about the house swathed in nothing but an auto racing flag

They refuse to attend your welcome barbecue because it is a waste of perfectly good tin foil

Most of their tiling work occurs outside of the bathroom and the kitchen

Taking out the garbage is a highly covert reconnaissance mission

Instead of ringing the doorbell like everyone else, they swoop in through the window when they want to borrow a cup of sugar

They give you a blank look whenever you greet them on the street and mouth some pleasantries about the weather

Next update: Monday 24 September

Hey There Rich Folk: Gold Edition

2006-09-20T23:36:00.000+08:00

In these uncertain times, the reassuring allure of gold cannot be denied. Gold is something that all rich people should hoard like acorns just before the wintry season. It's durable, it's intrinsically valuable and it is mindblowingly awesome to have enough gold to construct your own ceiling showing how man was created, then beamed down to earth in a giant golden ray of light. See how you can use gold to make a few cosmetic improvements to your humble abode, thereby making you more likely to invite guests back to your home.

Prior to its makeover, this was a typical cramped studio apartment with little going for it. But after some tasteful gold inlay and fittings, with a smattering of baroque, you will see that we have now created the illusion of enough space for a sit-down dinner party, witty repartee and a quasi-throne in which you can repose and stroke your favourite sculptures.

In the powder room, guests may avail themselves of the lustrous facilities. The solid gold toilet seat must be left down in all instances simply because it is too heavy to be lifted.

After a hard day's work why not kick off your shoes and submerge yourself in the luxury of a gold bathtub. You might want to get the chambermaid to draw the bath beforehand by emptying suitcases of hundred-dollar bills.

And if you have some spare change left over after the renovations, have it beaten and hammered into a breastplate fit for an Amazon queen. Every woman needs a flesh-digging underwire bra in her closet.

Next update: Friday September 22

Try our new skull and crossbones line of skincare

2006-09-18T22:59:00.000+08:00

I don't have much time tonight so I shall use it all up to indulge in some scaremongering. Do you know what you are really smearing onto your face everyday? Could your favourite brand of cosmetics be a prettily packaged minefield of banned substances? Could pitera just be a fancy word for asbestos! Save me the shocking lab results, I already know what to expect from overpriced Japanese cosmetics. Unlike these disgruntled customers who found out the hard way that the secret ingredients are kept secret with good reason.

1. Commercial chlorine bleach and possible "smylex" poison

2. Formaldehyde

3. Corrosive acids causing pus-oozing sores

4. Leather polish

5. Clown grease paint

6. Lead, mercury, cadmium and virtually every other toxic metal you can think of

Next update: Wednesday 20 September

OMG she copied me!

2006-09-15T23:39:00.000+08:00

What to do when someone else at the pool is wearing the same swimming costume as you

Tilt your head ever so slightly, smile stiffly and stare vacantly in the distance as if nothing untoward has happened

Use every ounce of energy to keep pretenders to your style throne at arms-length and preferably underwater

Flip her over to find out whether she is merely wearing an inferior knockoff and should be mocked accordingly

Point and shout "Hey look over there!" before making a dash for it.

Overreact with fake astonishment and joy, then loudly compliment each other's impeccable style and taste in theatrical tones

Try to make yourself stand out through some high-fashion moves and really "own the look".

Cry out desperately to the heavens above "Oh Lord why have you done this to me? Why hast thou forsaken me? Why?!?!?"

Next update: Monday 18 September

I feel pretty oh so pretty

2006-09-13T23:19:00.000+08:00

A lot of men seem to think that they can do most things better than women. They are probably right because most of the time we are suffering from PMS, menstrual cramps, uncontrollable mood swings and random emotions in order to perform simple tasks effectively.

In fact I wouldn't be surprised if men were better at being women than women were themselves. Desperate to prove their superiority in every arena possible, men have been buying into virtual feminisation. Through these services a man can find out how hotter he is than his girlfriend or wife, and perhaps even dump them for himself! Here are some examples of very successful makeovers that drew gasps of amazement.

"Claire" wanted her overall look to be feminised but at the same time she wanted to retain her strong physique and broad shoulders. The result was impressive - with this picture alone she was able to convince a not so well-known actor to leave his pregnant girlfriend and chase a gangly fantasy.

The client in this instance was worried that he would end up looking too girly rather than womanly. Once they removed the Adam's apple and managed to work in the fabulously b*tchy expression the rest was history.

Going through a rough patch with your mother who's being difficult about your inheritance money? Show mum a pic of the daughter she never had and get her all emotionally choked up while you try to get the court to declare her legally incapacitated or incompetent.

This client was very pleased with her softer, fuller features and requested romantic, tousled hair to match. Jada says, "Fantastic! I hope this is what I look like after upping my daily dosage of oestrogen".

Watch as pair of good mates turn into a pair of best girlfriends forever! They share designer gowns, party drugs and fierce attitudes.

Or you can be the only belle of the ball if you so please. See if you can guess which figure above has been subtly tampered with and which is the real woman.

Next update: Friday 15 September

You Like, You Buy Vol 47

2006-09-11T22:44:00.000+08:00

Hey there new parents, one day your precious bundle of joy is going to grow up, fly the roost and get married. If you let the years fritter away, you will have naught when it comes time to drag out the embarrassing baby pictures at family reunions and at the obligatory wedding powerpoint slideshow. Or if you were smart, you would have lugged baby and sundry down to www.mybb.hk for a gloriously tacky photo shoot that will still retain its tackiness in years to come.

If your family line has a genetic disposition to excessively large and protruding ears you can tempt fate with a set of Dumbo ears. Then when your kid does end up having a miserable childhood being taunted mercilessly by schoolmates for the size of their ears, oh how we will laugh and nod at your remarkable foresight.

Even if your baby is blessed with perfect features, you can still pay extra to manipulate the camera angles. What are parents for if not to trick everyone else into thinking that their kid is a giant foreheaded freak of nature.

Here is the obligatory invasion of privacy shot that should put your child off using public lavatories for life.

Customers who opt for the platinum package gain access to a higher quality designer wardrobe. These special pieces are sourced from drag queen gear supplier and Sex and the City stylist Patricia Field.

The reality is that many babies remain unimpressed by the remarkable work of Anne Geddes. Some roll their eyes and sigh loudly, some curl their lips condescendingly, but the well behaved ones just shut their mouths really tightly to keep the bile from flowing out.

This is a great way to freak out children, much better than the taking away a lollipop technique. Dress them up in bright red and yellow and give them a long-handled implement to hold. They will think that they are in for a lifetime of flipping burgers at McDonald's.

So don't waste anytime and hurtle your perambulator in the direction of www.mybb.hk. Just one more tip for the uninitiated - despite what people may tell you, nobody ever likes the bee costume.

Next update: Wednesday 13 September

It's not a girl!

2006-09-08T23:25:00.000+08:00

What's happening here? Britney Spears hasn't even delivered yet and already a wave of euphoria has gripped Japan. However this has nothing to do with the latest Federline meal-ticket and everything to do with the sanctity of the Chrysanthemum Throne. After 40 years of waiting, one of the princesses finally did the very thing they exist to do and delivered a male heir. Public reaction could be gauged by the number of people celebrating openly in the streets in a sort of impromptu male-pride festival.

Unsurprisingly the elder generation has been the most pleased with the arrival of the prince. One little old lady says, "The monarchy is a serious institution that is built on the strength of its male members. Let's leave the little girls to vapid Hollywood celebrities. By the way I heard the baby has Asian eyes and looks a bit like Chris Klein."

These men have been told by their mothers and wives that the baby prince is a good thing, so they too are absolutely jubilant at the news.

Meanwhile little schoolboys are overjoyed that they won't be subjected to the whims of a prissy little princess who might just one day decide that all school uniforms have to be pink. Their teachers are inwardly gloating that now the royal tutors will know what it's like to have a little boy around.

Other babies have also started pouring in their well-wishes to the imperial household. This one is particularly relieved that the looming constitutional crisis and thorny questions of succession law reform have been averted for now.

And how is the Princess Aiko (formerly the leading contender for the throne) taking this life-altering development? According to palace sources the Princess has described the idea of having a new cousin as awesome but not as awesome as a pony from the stables of the Dutch royal family. But as she grows older, cloak & dagger intrigue and plotting of the highest order might become necessary if she decides on "ruling a nation" as a career. Just as well Macbeth is her favourite bedtime story.

Next update: Monday September 11

A second chance to squander

2006-09-06T23:26:00.000+08:00

Now that the GREAT SURI CRUISE REVEAL has taken place we can all lie back in relief, safe in the knowledge that the world is right again. Another great piece of news is that Hong Kong banker Mimi Monica Wong has won back a respectable sum of US$8 million from the most overpriced salsa dance instructors in the world. This means that she is now free to fritter away money on another fruitless venture, apart from trying to obtain exclusive access to certain celebrity baby pictures because in case you hadn't heard the GREAT SURI CRUISE REVEAL has already happened. Based on speaking to really rich but really naive people, I have identified the best options available to Ms Wong.

For a ridiculous sum roughly equivalent to her divorce settlement, Jessica Simpson will teach you a new dancesport called roller-flamenco. There is only move involved - the rest involves being gently pushed along by a crew of stylists, handlers and assistants.

High net worth individuals are in luck because for a limited time, Donald Trump is giving one-on-one seminars titled "Baseball: the Elegance, Poetry and a Whole Lot More in Motion".

US$8 million can go a long way in paying for surgical enhancements not covered by medical insurance. These valuable add-ons can ultimately help you find the rapper-actor of your dreams.

After purchasing your new body, there might be some left over for body expression lessons. The best courses are based in Venezuela and teaches you the subtle difference between standing on a street corner and a pageant stage.

Why not give it away to people who really need it? There are many avenues for performing noble charity work such as moving as many units of Paris Hilton's self-titled CD as possible, so that she can reach her rightful place at the top of the charts.

Or just do what every other wealthy woman in Hong Kong does - blow it all away on shopping while still looking dissatisfied with the life fate has dealt them.

Next update: Friday September 8

Dressage has everything to do with clothing

2006-09-04T22:56:00.000+08:00

Lifestyle health and safety alert! Well-to-do people have been falling off horses lately, mainly because they haven't been taking the necessary precautions to manage risk and create a friendly horsey environment for all. When a horse kicks up a ruckus, it's no accident - often times it is merely voicing displeasure at your fashion choices. A few simple tweaks to your equestrian attire can tame even the most sullen of beasts.

Some horses have deep-seated issues and desires dating back to their days as foals in repressed boarding schools. They make a big show of being unruly because they enjoy being disciplined, but only if a sexy headmistress is involved.

Protective gear is a must unless Humpty Dumpty is your role model. Wrap the riding helmet in swathes of jersey cloth to prevent dislodgement. The body must also be bound tightly by a large bandage to minimise breasts and other swelling.

If you watched the movies National Velvet and International Velvet, you will know that the star in each instance was the fabric, not the horse or its rider. Wear this and swish-clop swish-clop your way to victory.

Long loose flowing gowns are probably the safest thing you can wear for horse riding. Most times you will get tangled up so tightly with the tack, you'll stay on no matter how bumpy the ride.

Horses can sense when they are carrying someone whose sentiments are less than patriotic. Fortunately, thanks to blinkers they are oblivious to pants that are too tight and boots that are too tacky.

With proper wardrobe planning, it is possible for heavily pregnant women to enjoy an exhilarating horseback experience. Remember to shield your delicate condition well otherwise you'll only end up spooking the horse.

Next update: Wednesday 6 September

And then a hero comes along

2006-09-01T23:10:00.000+08:00

Potential disasters averted through the timely intervention of Tom Cruise

One day while Tom was making his daily rounds through suburbia in search of ordinary folk to rescue, he came upon Dave, a harried office worker who had just missed his car pool. Tom was about to offer Dave a lift in his Bugatti Veyron but decided to do one better. By running really fast like he does in his action movies, Tom managed to spin the world backward, reversing time and thereby allowing Dave to catch his usual ride.

Some of Tom's lucky rescuees have never even met him before. For example, Fiona posted a desperate plea on an internet forum for help with her term paper which was due the following day. Masked behind the username OTVII, Tom graciously offered to share his vast technical knowledge on the topic area. Through the power of instant messaging, Tom was able to help Fiona produce a stellar piece of academic work titled the "History of Psychiatry".

Janet had just come out of a bitter breakup with her ex-boyfriend and wanted to make some big changes in her life. In fact, she wasn't even sure whether she liked men anymore. Intent on exploring her sexual identity, she rocked up to the nearest lesbian bar to find Tom Cruise barring the doorway. Fortunately for Janet, Tom whisked her away for a romantic evening of sushi on his private jet, champagne in Paris and a luxurious rose petal bath. The experience convinced her not to stray off the path of heterosexuality and she went to successfully marry a man and have his babies.

While filming Mission Impossible: 3 in China, Tom's people were approached by the village mayor of an impoverished rural area. The mayor was seeking donations to fund the economic and educational development of the province. In an incredible display of generosity, Tom bought each household a sonogram machine so that the villagers could check up on their unborn children in the comfort of their own homes.

Tom saved a deer fawn's life when he was vacationing in Africa. He was travelling through the Serengeti wilderness and noticed a cheetah in fierce pursuit of a young buck. There was not enough time to jump into the fray so Tom let out his trademark manic laugh. It freaked the cheetah into thinking that some psycho hyena was on its tail, allowing the deer to scamper away into safety.

An elderly couple were stranded on a highway recently when their car somehow sensed that Tom was in vicinity and promptly broke down. After pulling over and shouting "Here I come to save the day!", Tom quickly leapt into action to fix the problem. By the time the roadside technician arrived, Tom had sold the couple a used car and sent them on their way.

Next update: Monday September 4

The beginning of the end

2006-08-31T23:12:00.000+08:00

I tell ya, it's not right what they're doing to Japan. The country has more than enough teenybopper idols of its own to worry about faded popstars from the West. And yet the Tokyo subway has been turned into an underground shrine to naked Britney. I don't know how they're planning to sway commuters with this latest piece of in-your-face advertising. After all Britney doesn't have much in common with the average Japanese woman apart from:

1. Dark hair
2. Their husbands can't rap

Possibly overcome by a newfound respect for Britney after she refused to allow Jessica Simpson to kiss her pregnant stomach, the authorities backed down on their demands for censorship. Korea would never have let that happen. They would have kept her clothed at all times even if it meant defiling their national costume.

That's not to say that the Japanese national costume hasn't been despoiled already. That honour has been reserved for Paris Hilton who manages to make it look like post-coital origami folded by her man-hands.

To Paris, Japan is more than a place where she can successfully market substandard handbags and jewellery. It has become her island of Moreau Horrors where she's been given full reign to design people.

I fear that this is the beginning of the end of Japanese culture. From here on the dross of Western pop culture will usurp itself upon Japan, making the population forget about the simple pleasures of green tea, cherry blossom picnics and violent anime. This sort of thing can't be good for the children.

Next update: Friday 1 September

My recollection may not be entirely accurate

2006-08-30T22:49:00.000+08:00

Oh the tyranny of long-haul flights. This is what becomes of not having friends who can "send for you" in a liveried private jet. Nevertheless I did thoroughly enjoy myself in Sydney. In fact you could say I had a swinging good time.

As forecasted, there was a slight chill in the air which meant that we all had to wear arm-warmers with our string bikinis.

One day it even rained but that did not stop me from parading down the impossibly trendy Oxford Street like a well-heeled local. People often appreciate it when you show them what's under those trenchcoats.

When I wandered into David Jones the city's most exclusive department store, I knew that the afternoon would be well-spent. And spend I did, leaving not only my wallet considerably lighter but my head several kilos heavier, my shoulders bared and static clinging tighter to my crotchlines than Tara Reid to vodka-soaked D-list celebrity status.

But nighttimes were the most fun of all. Sure getting into exclusive nightspots required a lot of stylishness but once you knew how to wield a riding crop with aplomb, they usually waved you through.

Next update: Thursday August 31

Southward ho

2006-08-20T15:30:00.000+08:00

As autumn fast approaches, people are scrambling for exciting ways in which to spend the final, dying days of summer. The most obvious choice is to hang out by the pool in the hope that you will catch the eye of Matthew McConaughey. However I have chosen the lesser trodden path to Sydney to enjoy the last remains of a balmy winter.

Unlike Mischa Barton however, I will not demand an exorbitant appearance fee to dress up in hideous native creations. No, no, I will pay for these entirely on my account. I already have my eye on a splotchy high-waisted jumpsuit thingy that will go nicely with an urban poseur attitude.

While I am away on vacation, I suggest you avoid doing work as well. Catch up on cornucopia of imagery available on teh interweb. Lose your pants in a giant vat of chocolate. And grab the nearest deckchair that isn't already occupied by a miniature pig and soak up the sun.

Next update: Wednesday August 30

Miss Teen Cosplay 2006

2006-08-18T23:02:00.000+08:00

Perfectly rehearsed answers given by cosplay contestants to standard pageant questions

What bothers you most about what is happening in the world today?

The greatest threat we face comes from the alternate universe known as the Negaverse. Even as we speak, monsters from the Negaverse have infiltrated our world and are terrorising innocent citizens. Queen Beryl is gathering her evil armies to launch a devastating attack upon Earth, leaving it a barren wasteland just like the original Moon Kingdom whence I hail. If I win this competition I will make it my priority to defeat the forces of evil and save the world from almost-certain destruction!

Many people believe that we still live in a male-dominated society. Have you ever wished you were of the opposite sex?

Ew no, because boys are gross and klutzy and hairy in bad way. If I was a guy I wouldn't have such nice soft pink hair and I couldn't make with the glistening eyes and cute high-pitched voice to get what I want. And I think I would just roll over and die if I wasn't able to wear panties and provide the occasional fan service.

What do you want to achieve in life?

I look forward to the day where I can soar the majestic skies, basking in the exhilarating freedom of floating among the clouds, and raining down candy and diamonds on the landbound mortals below. Ha ha, then will I no longer be known as a Victoria's Secret chick with blue hair.

What is the most important thing you have learnt from this competition?

This whole experience has been a tremendous learning curve for me. I now know that it's better to be overdressed than underdressed for these things. One of the judges also tossed me a nugget of wisdom - "Bunny-girls are a dime a dozen," he said and I will certainly remember that one for next time.

What special quality could you bring to the title you are competing for tonight?

No doubt there are some very special girls here tonight and everyone is unique in their own way. However I challenge you to find someone who can bellydance their way into the hearts of homeless people and enthrall them into forgetting about their cold and miserable existence on the streets.

What quality do you like most about yourself and why?
My unwavering faith in a pair of tissue-wrapped oranges to lead me towards success. It helps me to stand out from the crowd, especially when that crowd includes a dude in a bright red donkey suit.

How will you make a difference to this world?

Clearly I am destined for greatness and the choices made during my quests will have an immeasurable impact on the future of society. Furthermore my sword has untold powers which I can invoke to reawaken the long lost race of magnificent dragons. Finally, I will usher in heralded era of world peace by fulfilling an ancient prophecy and go on to become Mariah Carey's personal stylist.

Why do you want to win this title?

The elven blood coursing through my veins has gifted me with a ruthlessly competitive streak and a relentless need to engage in CV-building extracurricular activities. Besides, I didn't spend 5 hours in makeup to be beaten by a bimbo who stuffs fruit down her tank top.

Next update: Sunday 20 August

The case for fashion belts

2006-08-16T23:17:00.000+08:00

It took me god knows how long to achieve mastery of the belt as a fashion accessory, and I expect that it will take you the same amount of time too. Most people view the fashion belt with trepidation and rightly so. It strains disapprovingly against your stomach as you reach for dessert. It creates an extra obstacle when nature calls, turning a lavatory routine into a desperate race against time. It also has this annoying way on creeping up on you until you're practically up to your armpits in belt.

But don't let all of this steer you into the pure folly of trying to get by without a belt. What may appear to be a minor omission has the potential to end up looking so so very wrong like below:

Once you have accepted the belt into your daily regimen it will make perfect sense. It will be the first thing you reach for in your wardrobe. It will be the first thing you slip over your still-weary body, even before your underwear.

Things that you wore in the "pre-belt" era will seem dim and fuzzy and not worth remembering. No matter how "dressed up" you are, you will feel practically undressed without a belt to complete your outfit.

And if you happened to score an invite to a Miami Vice premiere, then wouldn't you want to wear something bright and eyecatching for Mr Farrell? The man is always looking for new challenges, new items of female apparel that he can undo in a matter of seconds.

This young damsel has been using hers as a chastity belt following her public vow to remain celibate for a year. Legend has it that it will fall apart upon the touch of a true and handsome Greek prince aboard a fancy yacht.

For men, belts no longer have to match their socks and shoes. What's more important is that they rapidly flash different colours and emit pulverising gamma rays because the office can get intense that way.

Next update: Friday August 18

Robots you need to have at some point in the future

2006-08-14T23:01:00.000+08:00

As adolescence draws to a close, a young man's fancy lightly turns from 1.5 metre Gundam robots to machinery of the more feminine persuasion. How lucky we are to live in an age where fembots are no longer the stuff of late night fantasies.

Meet Rong Cheng, the Chinese robot who has already been widely feted for her beauty and limited intelligence. Rong boasts the sort of beauty you get after using one too many skin-whitening creams. Her delicate features framed against a smooth, white and hard exterior are very reminiscent of movie star Nicole Kidman. In terms of life skills though, the robot is infinitely more versatile. She responds to 1000 Chinese words, she bows, she dances, and best of all she cracks open a nice cold beer without the aid of a bottle opener.

So lifelike are her attributes that it is difficult to remember that under all that vibrant & womanly tulle lies a bunch of wires and circuits. The effect can be quite jarring when seeing the woman of your dreams being disassembled for routine maintenance but no less shocking than say, witnessing the normal wear and tear of a female celebrity.

Besides female robots, it seems that in the future we're going to be having a lot more concierge robots as well. This bodes well because it means that rather than wreaking havoc and destruction upon each other, men will be more concerned about scoring hard-to-get restaurant tables and theater tickets to impress their robot dates. Roboconcierge may not be as sleek and lethal as T1000 but he will be able to arrange for the best seats on Broadway even if he has to go back in time to do so.

Finally if your tastes run to female simians, good news is at hand because Beijing University has come up with a fetchingly hairy chimpanzee robot.

The unattractive pink tracksuit is a dead giveaway that she is merely a prototype but as future models evolve, we can expect to see more leg and French manicured nails.

Next update: Wednesday 16 August 2006

Onerous concert guidelines

2006-08-11T23:09:00.000+08:00

Onerous concert guidelines placed on foreign artists by Malaysian authorities

Female and male artists must keep crotch-to-crotch distances to a minimum of 5 inches when performing onstage together.

There is to be no unnecessary displays of flesh or dilly-dallying on staircases.

Obvious fake wigs are banned as they distract audience attention away from the substance of the performance.

Please refrain from reaching out to wring the necks of your audience members.

All maracas must be kept high where the authorities can see them, not hidden deep in the folds of tight shiny pants.

Simulating frozen embryo transfer procedures does not constitute an approved dance move.

Due to space restrictions, each male concertgoer is limited to bringing two females inside. Female companions must be accompanied on separate leashes.

Next update: Monday 15 August

You can't have your doughnut and eat it too

2006-08-09T23:52:00.000+08:00

Look up the definition of mental anguish in the dictionary and you will find this picture. While Krispy Kreme churns out its Hot Original Glazed (TM) goodness in nearby Hong Kong, this boy is wasting away at the tritely named OK Slim summer camp.

But let's look on the bright side. It is money well spent. For $825 (that's about 80 boxes of doughnuts) your son will learn to kick higher than a can-can dancer.

Once they show the promise, the happy campers are coralled into learning tightly choreographed routines ripped from the set list of Madonna's Confessions tour.

Soon each one will be a mini-mass of rippling muscle who can do 10,000 pushups in a few hours. Athletic scholarships will beat a path to your door, even though your kid has a higher testosterone level than a Tour de France champion.

Don't even start with me, young man. If you think those weights are unbearable then wait till you see what's in store in Week 4.

So what's it going to be, little boy? Doughnuts or rock hard abs? Choose carefully because one will lead you down the path of Val Kilmer.

Next update: Friday 11 August

Fashion Roadkill of the Day: Vol 53

2006-08-07T23:36:00.000+08:00

In this fair city, a picture may be worth a thousand words but a few random words strung together provide an immeasurably valuable insight into the human condition, especially when they are on a t-shirt. What you are about to see may not make perfect sense but it probably means you need to work on your comprehension skills a little bit more.

This top awaits the firm muscular strong-jawed body of a strapping lass. She is tired of being forced into the dainty and feminine frippery of modern casualwear. But at the same time she is not beyond using ornate cursive script to proclaim her inherent masculinity.

She lost me at "here" but by using advanced GPS technology I managed to find my way to the end of the second sentence. It reads like the unfinished manuscript of something that had shades of greatness, something that a washed-out celebrity could have written in their rehab memoirs.

So stylish that one can overcome the immutable laws of spelling and grammar! Kids these days and their lack of education *sigh* It's spelt c-a-r-n-a-l not carnival!

This is what happens when you cross wacky Japanese stationery with personal ads. However the only people who meet up in this way are (a)relentlessly optimistic and (b)12 years old.

Now that this long-hidden statement of truth is now out there in the open, we can discuss it more freely. To every boy who's been duped into thinking that a girl liked him, now you know that spending time in the backseat of your car was more about enjoying the leather upholstery and suspension capabilities than getting to third base.

Next update: Wednesday 9 August

If she could talk to the animals

2006-08-04T23:22:00.000+08:00

The animal kingdom responds to Lindsay Lohan's problems with dehydration

Not wanting to be Captain Obvious here, but a daily diet of fresh fruits goes a long way. Show me a chilled fruit platter at breakfast and I'll show you an employee who's never late for work.

Avoid heavy meats like pork and guzzle on a refreshing vegetable salad instead. Freeze first for an all-natural icy treat with a crunchy centre. If you use dry ice, this thing could feed you for the entire week.

I would have thought that a megastar like her gets personally hosed down when heat exhaustion starts to kick in. If I were her I would demand that my trailer comes with a set of sprinklers for me to run through.

I find that strangers are generally more than willing to share their ice creams on a hot summer's day. There is very little risk involved for someone who already has more germs than the average human.

I've run out of claws to count the number of different bikinis she has worn in public but I can't actually remember when was the last time I actually saw her in the water. Come on in Lindsay, the water's lovely!

Girl's got a tongue hasn't she so why doesn't she use it properly? Panting is an effective way of getting cool quickly because it allows cool air to circulate into the body and evaporates moisture from the tongue. And that concludes your science lesson for today.

Lying sprawled naked on a bed of ice also helps. I bet there would be people willing to pay good money to see that.

It's all about what lifestyle choice you make. When I held my birthday party, the theme was black & white. When Lindsay celebrates her birthday, the theme is high as a kite. Go figure which one of us going to end up in rehab first.

I don't see what the big deal is about her. I much prefer Nicole Richie.

Next update: Monday 7 August

Thank you for flying the boorish skies

2006-08-02T23:24:00.000+08:00

Other ways in which you can disrupt a flight with Gucci designer items

Train your baby to wail nonstop if the baby bassinet is not lined with the signature GG monogram in beige jacquard

Leave your sunglasses on the entire flight and demand that something be done about the appalling video quality of the inflight entertainment

Smuggle a beer keg inside your duffel bag to use as an excuse for your anti-Semitic slurs and derogatory remarks about the female flight attendants

Open the overhead compartment where your pearl python hobo is stored and scream in mock horror "There's a snake on the plane!"

Delay the drinks trolley service until your ice cubes are ready.

Explain to passengers sitting near you that like Thor's magic belt, yours also endows you with magnificent strength. Then try to prove it by opening the pressurised cabin doors with your bare hands.

Help prevent deep-vein thrombosis by loudly whooping and riding your limited edition chocolate leather pony down the aisle.

Grossly exceed the maximum carry-on allowance.

Next update: Friday August 4

And the bride wore a bikini

2006-07-31T23:12:00.000+08:00

What a difference a weekend makes. Just last week the naysayers were sounding the death knell for romance. Then Pamela and Kid Rock came along to show us that true love can survive hepatitis C and groupie shenanigans and that bridal bikinis work so much better the second (or third?) time round.

But it's going to take more than just a yacht in St Tropez to celebrate the most romantic day of one's life. After all planned spontaneity makes for the best wedding pictures.

Drink alcohol. Lots of it. Alcohol beats romantic (read dim) lighting hands down every time. Your memories may be hazy but at least they will be mostly positive.

Where that old wedding saying is concerned the "something new" should always be underwear. It will draw rapturous applause from husband and guests alike when you strip down for the Dollar Poledance.

Staying limber keeps the romantic sparks alive. Not only will it please your partner in the marital bed it will serve you well when that honeymoon tape is leaked - these days YouTube's audiences are extremely learned and expect to be awed and disgusted in new ways all the time.

Buy the blushing bride the best ring that money can buy. It can be bigger than her finger. Or her hand. It can gently rest on her head shining brilliantly like a beacon of amour, guiding lovers down the path of marital bliss and cars off the road into those lovers.

Before walking down the aisle, check that everything that is supposed to be there is there! Sometimes there's a mixup and the wedding cake goes missing or by the time it arrives it is all crumbly and brittle!

When you've finished with the French Riviera, it's time to get hitched all over again in Malibu, Detroit and Nashville. You might even want to do it with the same person too!

Next update: Wednesday August 2

Dressing for the time poor

2006-07-28T23:42:00.000+08:00

One morning as I was trying on my seventh outfit for work, I thought there has be a better way to do this. It really shouldn't take so much time to pick out an outfit but it does. I could channel that time into more productive matters, like reading up on how to throw handshadows on to a wall.

And I know there are plenty of women out there who face the same dilemma every morning (and who really want to learn how to throw handshadows as well). We're only female you know. We're not like men who can come to a swift decision about whether an ankle-length suit, lace stockings and diamond brooch works for a court appearance. After some brainstorming with my plush toys, I have compiled some time-saving tips for tackling the morning rush.

Behold the simple power of a belt. A belt dresses up everything to the nth degree so much so that it becomes feasible to go out in your dressing gown. All you need to do is brush your hair and walk in purposeful strides and nobody will report you to the police.

When the weather is miserable what jacket you wear becomes entirely irrelevant. People will be too moody to murmur superficial compliments about your designer-inspired trenchcoat. A heavy duty garbage bag easily goes with everything. You might even get someone to make a wisecrack about "taking out the trash" and get the whole office smiling again.

Once removing the clothes from the hanger, you'll find that storing the hanger in your hair instead of back in the closet is a real time-saver. Plus you've scored a darling new hair accessory that's less tacky than a plastic hair clip.

To achieve the sexy-just-rolled-out-of-bed look you must do just that, taking the sheets with you at the same time. If you have a little bit of spare time, you can bring your napkin-folding skills to the fore and create a human-sized serviette to do slow rolling motions in.

When in doubt, just take along the whole laundry rack. It saves having to figure out which of your clothes are still damp or are more wrinkled than all four Rolling Stones put together.

Finally I've figured out what these magic crystal garden kits are good for. You just need mix the magic crystals in with your morning ablutions. By time you reach work, hey presto you will be fully clothed!

Next update: Monday July 31

Thanks for the hand knitted g-string Grandma!

2006-07-26T22:46:00.000+08:00

Things your grandmother might say when confronted with sexy crochet lingerie from koniakow.com

And when the war came, we didn't have enough to eat and we soon grew out of our clothes. What poor wretches we were, all skinny and scared looking and messy long hair! But even in these worst of times, we made damn sure we waxed regularly. We weren't savages you know.

I used to collect these, yes I did. Some of them even predate the notion of sexy underwear. One day it will all be yours.

I always say, nothing like a hard day of manual labour down at the pump factory to get you into hot bikini shape. Diet pills bah! Jazzercise feh! No carbs gah!

Oh now this is nice and homely. It works on just about anything. Listen close, child. That teapot cosy wasn't always a teapot cosy you know. Used it as a pair of crotchless panties before incontinence reared its ugly head.

Things were done much differently back when your grandfather was courting me. We weren't as outspoken with our emotions as you younguns are. This is how I let him know that I was keen to be plucked.

Back in the day, we didn't have photoshop. We had to trudge 50 miles in the freezing cold until you found a sheep farm and borrow some lanolin and some putty. And if they froze on the way home you had to thaw it all out on the stove, then rub the burning goo all over your body until it was real nice and smooth. The rest went on the camera lens and anything left over we used to make peanut butter sandwiches. Then you clenched your cheeks together and held them until you heard the camera bulb explode then you knew it was time to pick out the glass shards from your bare ass.

Next update: Friday July 28

Celebrity tabloid apologies

2006-07-24T23:20:00.000+08:00

Last week we ran an article (with the headline "J-Lo's pregnancy glow") wherein we boldly declared without any shred of evidence that Jennifer Lopez was pregnant with twins that were most probably fathered by one of her ex-husbands or Macaulay Culkin. The story went on to state "Lopez, 37, dropped thousands on baby clothing at a posh baby boutique while her zombielike husband shuffled behind her silently". We apologise for not getting Ms Lopez's age right and would like to clarify that at the date of publication, she is only 34, and has always been 34 for the past three years.

In last month's news about upcoming movie projects, we reported an unfounded rumour that Keira Knightley was in talks to play glamour model Jordan in her big screen biopic. Contrary to what the tone of our article might have suggested, we now accept that Ms Knightley would be the perfect choice for this role once you consider the miracles that special effects and latex prosthetics can achieve these days. We apologise for any hurt and distress caused by our initial disbelief and look forward to being wowed by the power of CGI.

This morning when posting a poor review for the new "Miami Vice" movie on our website, we mistakenly ran an accompanying picture of a Monchhichi doll instead of actor Colin Farrell who is one of the movie's stars. We apologise to the creators of Monchhichi for any deep distress and acute embarrassment caused but can't promise that it won't happen again the future

Yesterday our front page headline read "George Caught Cruising for Sex!". The article that followed made reference to George Michael's search for male sexual partners in public places. It has come to our attention, through a strongly worded legal notice, that by repeatedly using the word "cruise" and all its derivatives in our article to denote unnatural acts, we have cast aspersions on Tom Cruise's family name. Mr Cruise is only familiar with heterosexual intercourse and indeed fathered a baby daughter with his FEMALE partner Katie Holmes through this method. We retract all our statements in this regard and apologise profusely, grovelling on our knees, for having caused any non-heterosexual connotations through this regrettable choice of words. We have also agreed to pay an undisclosed sum to the religion of Mr Cruise's choice and to stop questioning the existence of Suri Cruise.

Our April issue contained a feature titled "How to stay young by wearing a red string bracelet" which had a 10 page photospread of ageless beauty Madonna. Due to an oversight in the production process, some of the pictures were not photoshopped extensively enough. We apologise unreservedly for failing to effectively perpetuate the myth of eternal youth through Kabbalah and alarming readers who are unaccustomed to seeing Madonna in her natural state.

On Monday we ran a gossip item about Jessica Simpson and her six point plan for peace in the Middle East. In it we referred to Ms Simpson as "a recently divorced singer and actress". We apologise for falsely implying that Ms Simpson had any acting ability whatsoever and think that calling her a "singer" might be pushing it slightly as well.

We would like to alert our readers to a misprint in last weekend's story about Naomi Campbell's latest infraction with the law. In our haste to break the news we alleged that Ms Campbell had "anger management issues" and was "a tad unhinged". We acknowledge that these allegations were substantially watered down. What we really wanted to say was that she is one crazy screwed up b*tch who needs to be locked away and we apologise for not having the balls to say so in the first place.

Next update: Wednesday 26 July

Whatever happened to plain old asses' milk?

2006-07-21T22:44:00.000+08:00

In hindsight, letting Junior gorge himself on all that expired chocolate and candy just before bathtime wasn't such a good idea. That's what I thought until I found out this is actually a hot curry bath and not raw sewage matter. Apparently a heady mix of curry spices such as red pepper and turmeric does wonders for your circulation and complexion.

But is it really wise to be subjecting your naked body to such intense flavours? These guys seem to have passed out from being unable to stoke the raging fire in their loins.

Not to mention the attendant social implications for someone who wafts pungently through the street after having soaked in a relaxing vindaloo.

What concerns me about the picture above is that we don't know whether the curry is going into the bath, or the curry came from the bath and is about to served for dinner with a side of fragrant jasmine rice. Come to think about it, are we sure that is even a bathtub and not a giant soup tureen?

As spicy food falls out favour and spa-goers demand greater variety, we can expect to see the following menu choices in the future:
1. chicken stock bath - good for the soul and breaking down congested fatty deposits
2. minestrone bath - super hydrating, infused with nutrients, vegetables and minerals
3. gazpacho bath - a cooling fresh body wash to relieve muscle ache and tension
4. clam chowder bath - pamper yourself with a rich and creamy body treatment, leaving you slick and slightly fishy
5. goulash bath - as you simmer away in luxurious paprika, you will feel the stress-related toxins being flushed from your body

But if you really want to take years off your face and body, leaving your skin as smooth as a baby, can I suggest a home made peanut butter remedy instead?

Next update: Monday 24 July

Price reduced for a quick sale

2006-07-19T22:50:00.000+08:00

Tired of spending dead money on rent? Want to start building your property investment portfolio? Well look no further than this charming Manhattan triplex which has undergone extensive refurbishment. Situated in a desirable location within striking distance of London, Paris and LA by private jet. Great opportunity for first time homebuyers or investors! Especially if you're into monogrammed gold leaf floors and your name starts with M!

The light and airy living room provides a well-proportioned setting for formal entertaining for more informal events like boisterous cushion fights.

The layout of formal dining room allows you freedom to have one table for mock-dining and another for family memorabilia, another for decorative purposes and yet another for those diva moments.

Special features include a basement laundry room that has been converted into a play area for pets.

Thanks to intelligent design principles, sleek built-in and walk-in wardrobes achieve efficient utilization of space. Some wardrobes come fitted with their own custom-made designer gowns.

This cozy and quaint property also offers a small storage room for those miscellaneous items you've collected over the years.

Available for inspection but hurry, like the fickle spotlight of fame this bargain won't last long! Call now to avoid disappointment! I mean it! Seriously! Seller needs to go on tour really really soon!

Next update: Friday July 21

Fashion Roadkill of the Day: Vol 52

2006-07-17T22:52:00.000+08:00

Question 1: Imagine if you have a really fun hobby and when people ask you what your hobbies are, you reply "guitars". Then when they ask you how long you've been learning and what you can play, you have to shake your head and say that no, no it's not like that all. You have to look them squarely in the eye and explain clearly and carefully that you only like guitars when they're very small and colourful and printed on clothing. And although you also have plenty of sweatshirts with other stringed instruments on them such as banjos, ukeleles and harps, you like them guitars the best. How do you stop yourself from suddenly feeling very alone because everyone else has suddenly backed away, very far away?

Answer: You have a child and foist your unique interests upon them so that you are no longer alone in this cold and uncomprehending world!

Question: What happens if you have aspirations of raising a professional prize fighter but nobody wants to let a little kid beat them up?

Answer: You have twins so they can spar with each other, inside and outside the boxing ring! Not to mention you've effectively doubled your chances at winning ($$) and scoring sweet endorsement deals ($$$$)!

Question: What would you do if your tween daughter suddenly has a new best friend and they both insist on going out dressed like this?

Answer: When she gets home, you need to pack up the family and move town because these things don't always bode well.

Next update: Wednesday July 19

From the lips of Lindsay

2006-07-14T23:34:00.000+08:00

Situations where it may be appropriate to make weird kissy faces instead of posing normally for photographers

When you seem to recall it worked for Marilyn Monroe but forget that it doesn't really work for anyone else

When you see someone you fancy and you want to invite them back to your hotel room to recreate the happiest place on earth

When you feel so very happy and relaxed and are just generally stoned beyond comprehension

When you've just had a car accident and you would prefer to exchange airkisses instead of insurance details

When expressing appreciation for all the young fans who continued to support you throughout your wildly fluctuating breast sizes

When you're trying to impress Meryl Streep with your brilliant impersonation of a cat's backside

When you don't want to be shown up as any less feminine than the drag queen beside you

When you need to lightly blow away traces of cocaine from your fingers without calling suspicion on yourself

Next update: Monday 17 July

Foreign fashion customs

2006-07-12T22:51:00.000+08:00

And for like the tenth season in a row, burqas are the hottest fashion trend in Kabul. When you hold a fashion show in Afghanistan, you have to make sure that everything is appropriately covered, even when expatriate models are used. In terms of offensiveness, a bare arm or leg ranks right up there with that infamous photo of Paris Hilton forgetting to cover her gaping maw with underwear before getting out of a car. It just goes to show the importance of knowing your market and being sensitive to cultural norms and not googling randomly for pictures of Paris Hilton.

For example in Barcelona, lacy lingerie on its own is not considered appropriate when in polite company. You can easily avoid committing a devastating faux pas with a pair of fitted shorts.

But in other parts of Spain it is perfectly ok to place your bones prominently on display.

Turning to South America, there's no shame in wearing almost the same thing as your gal pals for a fun night out on an Argentinian town, as long as everyone chooses different coloured shoes.

Peru is slightly more liberal than most countries and the following meet the official definition of smart casual: cotton wool, shaving cream, whipped cream and soap suds.

If you plan on making a yearend visit to Bosnia, be forewarned that they take Christmas very seriously there and expect you to dress accordingly.

In Kiev they have a peculiar custom called Povkgkzoshzhenya which translates roughly into "you wear what you kill and what you can steal off a homeless person's back while they are sleeping".

Very instructive but a little confusing isn't it, considering we have barely scratched the surface of what other interesting cultural nuggets are out there. Sometimes it makes me want to pack up and move to somewhere diversely multicultural like Miami where you can afford to get everything mixed up and still be socially acceptable.

Next update: Friday July 14

You Like, You Buy Vol 46

2006-07-10T23:32:00.000+08:00

The Momento (www.momento.com.hk) brand is somewhat of a mystery to me. The shop interiors look boutiquey, the sales assistants are keen to point out the undeniably authentic Italianness of the designs but it all really smacks of what a Hong Kong supporter of the Azzuris celebrating their World Cup win, would in their alcohol-addled delirious mind, imagine Italian design to be.

A good proportion of the clothes is actually acceptable in small doses, with some teetering on the brink of disaster but then veering away at the last minute by some invisible force of decency.

But every now and again you come across something which doesn't know where to stop with the lapels and the stitching and the stars and the flowers until it ends up being more confusing than the movie of the same sounding name but different spelling.

Or this denim skirt which has powerful magnetic properties but only in relation to kitschy coasters.

Or stuff you'd wear if numismatism or philately is a lifestyle rather than just a hobby to you.

Or typical Spring Break attire during the Victorian era.

Or what inevitably happens when you leave someone with a macrame fetish alone in a room with a plain black jersey and the words "promise me that you will never ever, ever, ever, under any circumstances mess with the neckline and sleeves".

Finally I'm just glad winter is a distant memory and we won't have to feast on carrion for at least another six months.

Next update: Wednesday July 12

Another blog to visit: Sleekman - men's fashion, beautiful women and everything else in between.

Try these out on your Chinese friends

2006-07-07T23:05:00.000+08:00

Traditional Chinese expressions that are meant to be taken literally

To put your fist in your mouth

When you embarrass yourself by trying to remove bits of food from hard-to-reach areas between your teeth with a toothpick. First you try to extend your fingers to get that toothpick all the way into the back of your mouth, then you use a couple more fingers to get better traction and before you know it there's a whole lot more than Chinese broccoli stuck in there.

A fit person soon finds themselves in the company of hangers-on

The park is full of these people. Not really your friends, not even acquaintances, just desperate strangers trying to coast off your prowess on the monkey bars. They know a pair of strong knees when they see it and some of them don't even have the courtesy to place their hands away from your crotch area.

One head on top of another is better than one head alone

This dates back to when Chinese acrobatic troupes first hit the village scene and promoters were thinking up of ways to increase ticket sales. After intensive market research, they found that people were willing to pay big money to watch one acrobat balance her partner seamlessly on top of her head instead of just a bunch of spinning plates.

I'm walking on electric light wooah, and don't it feel good

Derived from a local pop song that became a summer hit a couple of decades ago. The upbeat tune recorded the journey of an obese woman who overcame her weight problems through gastric bypass surgery, finally allowing her to walk on lightbulbs without breaking them.

Full of hot air

Someone who is described as full of hot air is very very useful when you're behind in the preparations for your kid's birthday party and you need to blow up all the balloons real quick.

Crying buckets of tears

This phrase applies to fans of weepy Korean/Japanese tv dramas who often complain of their clothes being soaked after only 1 episode viewing. A popular solution to this problem is to strap buckets to your eyelids, turn on the tv and bawl away to your heart's content.

If you swallow a live snake, it might just find its way out through your nose

In the old days, there was no such thing as Xbox, Twister or karaoke. When the party got dull, you just grabbed a reptile and hoped for the best - the first recorded instance of this parlour trick was some time during the Tang dynasty. The original saying has since been modified over time to its current form as a popular internet expression to describe the extent of one's hilarity i.e. "I was swallowing a live snake when I read this and I laughed so hard it shot out of my nose."

Next update: Monday July 10

Increasing shock value

2006-07-05T23:25:00.000+08:00

I take the effort to sit through a Wimbledon semi-final and all I get is a naked cartwheel across the lawn? Something's got to be done about those male streakers. It used to be uproariously amusing when a random guy was allowed to run about a field naked for a good five minutes before being swept up by security like a baby in a giant swaddling cloth. But now we have reality shows, Myspace and Youtube, all of which have elevated naked entertainment to a higher plane.

So what say we put the clothes back on and think about disrupting sports matches in other ways. Often designer clothing can draw a great deal more attention than the nude form. For shock value you need look no further than the Spring-Summer 2007 men's collections.

Bright neon colours make a bigger impact than pasty flesh tones when you're dealing with a wide space like a football stadium. They're easier for audiences way up in the stands to spot and they show up better on the big screen. Pick a colour, any colour as long as it's one used in a Post-It Note pad.

This is a clever ensemble that offers a tantalizing glimpse of flesh but delivers much more. The secret is to stuff as much rubbish and recycled items down the front of the pants as possible. Once you have everybody's attention, simply undo the tie string and allow the junk to spill out, so to speak.

Spectators always fall for the old surly delivery man with a pizza box trick. Even security will be fooled into thinking that you're just trying to do your job and make sure the pizza doesn't end up being free. It is a getup that poses more questions than it answers, each more bewildering than the next. Is that anchovies I smell? Who pulled him by the scruff of his neck so hard that it permanently contorted his shirt? What kind of pizza company doesn't make their employees wear pants?

As you sprint into the fray sporting a pair of toned and freshly waxed legs , sexy flowing hair and short shorts, the crowd will cheer appreciatively in a manner only reserved for female streakers. Now imagine the gasps of horror when you turn your face and people discover you're just a desk-bound corporate serf who didn't have time to shave this week.

Nothing clears a sports venue faster than the sight of a pastel-suited beekeeper running about in circles. It can only mean that a killer swarm is not far behind.

If people knew that they would be seeing a zombie streaker in action, I guarantee you, the stands would be packed to the rafters. Cheering something on as it peels off its clothes, then the rotting flesh from its bones and then biting a player's head off is worth the price of admission alone.

Next update: Friday July 7

What a tangled mess we weave

2006-07-03T22:40:00.000+08:00

Is there ever a good reason to be getting hair extensions other than to maintain your livelihood as a booty swinging rap video extra? I don't think it's right for women to be wanting bigger hair. No good will come of it. Look what happened (maybe NSFW) when plastic surgeons caved into our demands for bigger breasts.

Another thing you've got to remember is that there's no such thing as a "mild" adhesive. Once those extensions latch on, they're never going to let go unless they take a chunk of your scalp with them. Not to mention the attendant rise in human hair trafficking. It's even more sinister than it sounds. In some cases the hair is brutally chopped off by a scissor-wielding clown maniac.

The risk is entirely yours to take but now would not be a good time to blithely ignore all the unsavoury side effects resulting from prolonged use. The most severe ones have gone undocumented until now.

Loss of appetite, social withdrawal, failure of favourite team to win the World Cup

Poor verbal skills, craving for attention, impairment of taste in men

Irritability, mood swings

Bronzy skin discolouration, perfumes being named after unflattering character traits

Exhibitionist tendencies, 12 month sentence in a Federal prison for perjury (however temporarily stopping usage resulted in early release after 10 months)

Next update: Wednesday 5 July

Childhood ambition is a lovely thing to behold

2006-07-01T17:32:00.000+08:00

When I grow up I want to be just like Pinky Pie Pony!

Fast forward several years later...

The defining stages of HK pop stardom

2006-06-30T23:02:00.000+08:00

You'd think that if you were Joey Yung, one of the most popular Hong Kong Cantopop stars ever to walk the earth, and Madame Tussaud was going to bestow upon you the ultimate honour of creating a waxy clone, you would ask that it be dressed in something less tartany, less shiny, less WTF even. Good job on the flat stomach though.

But in all fairness, the costume was modelled after something actually worn before and that something takes gold encrusted clothes to a whole new level. I hate it when pantsuits are so heavy that you can only wear a bra top instead of a proper blouse underneath, lest you topple off the stage and die from the sheer weight and embarrassment of it all.

If the sumptuous finery above is an allusion to her having reached a career pinnacle, let's see how her other trademark outfits have come to represent the defining stages in her career.

Becoming a sex symbol

Many will fondly remember the time when she went from girl next door to vampy femme fatale, as all female pop stars of mateable age do. Suddenly she was wearing nothing apart from a strategically placed assortment of live bats.

Freak accident

But disaster struck when she was bombarded with cosmic radiation during the filming of a skin-whitening ad gone awry, which caused most of her hair to fall out but temporarily gifted her with terrifying and uncontrollable magnetic powers. People could not help but whisper about her "mutantness" behind her back.

Massive drop in popularity

With her beautiful hair gone (but her sense of style intact), Joey found her fan base severely eroded. She was relegated to performing in tattered and ill-fitting clothing in low-rating variety shows that screen in the middle of the night when all the old people who normally enjoy such shows are already fast asleep.

Public service campaign

Keen to return to her glory days, Joey embarked on an aggressive campaign to win her fans back through the power of celebrity activism. During her environmental phase, Joey found new ways to recycle wooden chopsticks, shredded documents and Ronald McDonald wigs.

Descent into bad girl lifestyle

However all the civic-mindedness was just a fleeting phase and Joey soon reverted to her irresponsible ways, wearing environmentally unsound leather shorts and damning several endangered species of woolly creatures to extinction by flaunting their balls of yarn in public. Nevertheless she was back at the top of her game and well on the way to becoming enshrined in waxy eternity.

Next update: Monday 3 July

Discovering new horizons

2006-06-28T23:19:00.000+08:00

Did you know that more than 70% of the world is covered in water? This means plenty of opportunities for scuba diving, snorkelling and last but not least naval exploration! What a great opportunity for the modern man to trace the great voyages of his intrepid forebearers only now, he can do it in his favourite designer clothes from Milan!

Before you start your mammoth expedition, you will need to find funding from deep-pocketed sources, just like in the old days. You can't just buy magnificent vessels and skilled crews on the cheap from craigslist you know! Whether it's your parents or sugar mummy/daddy or some other person who you're trying to mooch off, be sure to show up looking your most professional. The hat should be at the right angle, the tie looking sharp and your blazer must be pristine and crisp, like the hefty cheques your benefactor should be writing out in your name.

Time to leave the dock for some serious circumnavigation! Prepare to set sail in a white suit that's calming but dignified enough for a man on an important mission, one even more important than being groom at a beach wedding.

These structured pyjamas are perfect for nightly walks about the deck. Following which, you can retire to your cabin with a sextant and a good travel guidebook or even better, a DVD which relives the entire first season of Lost.

No legendary voyage would be complete without an encounter with the scourge of the high seas, those dreaded pirates who are far more dangerous than the ones peddling counterfeit luxury goods in a side lane. Put on your fancy eyepatch (the one that converts into a lip gloss compact with mirror), chunky belt with the cute seahorses on it and floral sarong and show them who's man!

You can never pack too many of these billowing shirts and comfy breeches, even if it means using up precious cargo space devoted to oranges and lemons. Scurvy be damned, at least the long sleeves and pants will cover up any body sores.

At long last, land is ahoy in all its glory! No more shuffleboard! But what to wear to meet the natives? The best advice is to play it casual so you don't intimidate them into skewering you like an olive with pimento filling, but slightly dressy so these savages know they're dealing with someone who appreciates the cut of a well-tailored jacket.

As for the natives, there is precious little for them to do other than stand back and accept the inevitability that they're about to be colonised by a group of strangers with a refined sense of style. All they can hope for is that their new masters come bearing gifts of 5th generation iPods.

Next update: Friday June 30

Fashion Roadkill of the Day: Vol 51

2006-06-26T23:36:00.000+08:00

Heat absorption can be such a pain during the summer months. But with some energy-efficient cooling techniques, your day will pass by like the ultimate deodorant ad. Wearing reflective colours will not only help you stay cool but will reflect heat onto other people so that they suffer at your expense.

To illustrate, I followed this lady as she tottered down the street at breakneck pace. After a couple of blocks I had decided that marathon running was not for me and was near ready to pass out from heat exhaustion. In contrast my quarry had barely broken a sweat, swathed as she was in her layers of silvery insulation. This could be the beginning of the end for air conditioning. This could be the beginning of people walking about like a Wizard of Oz character in search of a heart.

Now onto questions of diversification and risk. Besides silver, should you also be including some gold in your collection? In these times of fashion uncertainty, yes yes you should. Hoard it like you would the precious metal itself, and make sure you tighten all drawstrings securely so it doesn't slip off your body.

Next update: Wednesday 28 June

All this speculation is driving me crazy

2006-06-23T23:32:00.000+08:00

In between the constant procreation and divorcing, we haven't had a big-ass celebrity wedding in a while. The leadup to any celebrity nuptials is always fraught with rumour, misinformation and plain untruths. Given that the media have been unable to unearth anything of substance thus far, I am compelled to publicise these juicy details so that they may be savoured like lip-smacking hors d'oeuvres before the main event.

Weather
While on a recent promotional trip to Shanghai, Nicole picked up a team of weather modifiers at the famous Xiang Yang market. Since arriving in Sydney the team has been working round the clock to ensure that there will be clear skies on the all important day.

Cake
Master artisans have crafted a tall multi-layered cake in a pale pastel pink, generally resembling Nicole in the Chanel couture gown she wore for the 2002 Oscars.

Dress
We have seen the frightening speed with which "formal" shorts have established themselves as a red carpet fixture. The bride will take this one step further by incorporating a pair in her wedding gown. This will cement Nicole's status as one of cinema's leading fashion icons and cause fashion commentators to marvel at her ability to perfect the whole classic style with a modern twist look. However she will keep people guessing by only deciding at the last minute whether to wear the shorts with bare legs or under a layer of chiffon.

Menu
As Nicole is a fussy eater, the menu has been painstakingly crafted to accommodate her delicate tastes. Guests are rumoured to be in for a special high-protein treat as Australian customs have confirmed larger than normal deliveries of surplus whale meat from Japan into Sydney.

Videography
The ceremony and reception will be filmed by Baz Luhrmann. There will be several lavish musical numbers and the public can expect to view the entire spectacle when it is released in theatres early next year, competing headon with the JJ Abrams-directed Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes wedding.

Hair
It is most likely that the bride will choose a classic updo, with curls cascading down the back for a soft and romantic look. The groom will keep it simple with sleek hair cut into long layers and highlighted in cream and honey blonde a la Jennifer Aniston on her wedding day.

Honeymoon
The happy couple have reportedly booked out the Wakaya Club Resort in Fiji for their weeklong honeymoon. Incidentally this is also the same place where Tori Spelling got married for the second time. Staff at the Wakaya Club Resort have said that despite Nicole's A-list status, she should not expect extra-special star treatment because unlike Tori, her father was not responsible for some of the greatest shows ever to grace television screens.

The vows
While it is not clear whether Keith will be using the lyrics of one of his country ballads in his vows, Nicole will be taking a more pragmatic approach:
I, Nicole Mary Kidman, take thee, Keith "not Karl" Urban
To be my lawfully wedded husband
secure in the knowledge that
you will not succumb to drugs and booze again
for fear of being penalised by our watertight prenup
in the presence of God and more importantly all these celebrities
to stay by your side as your wife
in thinness and in pallor
in shininess as well as icy aloofness
through the good times and the not-so-bad
I promise to stop giving inane interviews professing that "I still love Tom"
trim your hair when it grows past shoulder length
make this marriage last longer than Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney's
have your baby and stop acknowledging that Isabella and Conor exist
encourage you to continue liking women instead of men
joke with you about not being able to wear high heels
be open and honest with you about what really went on inside the Co$
and cherish you until adultery do us part.

It's all about the bottom line

2006-06-21T23:27:00.000+08:00

Oh free market competition what hast thou wrought? At last we have come to know the tyranny of maximising shareholder value. In their endless pursuit of profit, even the high-end fashion houses have succumbed to cutting corners in dramatic ways. Well not so much corners but entire sections of clothing. Anne Hathaway was so mortified with her designer gown at the "Devil Wears Prada" premiere she was heard telling co-star Meryl Streep: "Oh my god, where is the rest of this dress? How am I going to push up my boobs properly? My acting career is dead now!"

Due to rising fabric prices and labour costs, designers have seen fit to do away with the entire front panelling of their dresses. This spells disaster for bra manufacturers and with necklines tipped to recede to pubic level by the end of the year, underwear companies are also feeling the pressure. It seems that only the makers of double sided tape have something to smile about these days.

Swimsuits, already small on fabric as they are, were early casualties of the profit squeeze. Industry experts explain that removing half of the swimsuit is necessary to ensure that tanlines are consistent with regular attire.

But are changing consumer habits to blame for this downsizing? Surveys have shown that women are more inclined to spend money on technology and gadgets these days than on a full dress. "Sure, I might need to squeeze the sides of my chest together to create artificial cleavage," says model Brittany Brower. "But now that I've got myself a new T-Mobile Sidekick people find me way more interesting and whenever I go out, I have heaps of guys wanting to give me their numbers."

Besides Anne Hathaway, several other well-endowed celebrities have professed their displeasure with the latest fashion developments. Jessica Simpson found out the hard way when her outfits arrived for her Maxim's cover shoot and there was 20% less than expected. The skimpy garments were inconsistent with the theme of the pictorial which promised "Jessica as you've never seen her!" and was meant to feature her in a variety of uncharacteristic situations including being engrossed in a book, engaging in intelligent discourse and lively debate with Stephen Hawking and opening her mouth in a non-suggestive way.

The original plans were scrapped in light of the wardrobe bungle and although the shoot eventually went ahead Simpson complained that it was difficult for her to look contemplative and serious while posing in a cost-saving version of the classic black turtleneck. A frustrated Simpson says: "I feel that my fans have been cheated because of these stupid new clothes. I just hope that they will pick up a copy of the magazine anyway and look beyond the pictures and read what I have to say." Until fashion executives give the greenlight to start designing again for the sake of style rather than profit, Simpson and her fans will just have to wait a little longer for her fully-clothed centrefold.

Next update: Friday June 23

Lowered to a thrice weekly dose

2006-06-19T22:46:00.000+08:00

Yeah baby, it's the summer of work! More documentation, please! Once again work rears its ugly head and lays waste to my precious leisure time. This is not a welcome development, especially coming after the crushing news that I did not win Powerball. As a result, blogging will be down to three days a week - Monday, Wednesday, Friday. On the other two days, I will be fulfilling the terms of my indentured servitude.

The weekends will also be an entirely lost cause. Gone are any plans I had of gallivanting around on the beach like this:

Instead I envisage spending my time indoors pushing paper while emitting the listless buzzing sounds of a lowly worker-drone. By fall, I shall emerge from my cell, looking pale and somewhat gaunt. I don't expect people to recognise me immediately but I will expect to be offered some juicy horror film roles.

Next update: Wednesday 21 June

How to spot a fake Fendi

2006-06-16T23:09:00.000+08:00

Goodness me, what is Walmart is trying do here? Does it have any idea how many street vendors are going to be put out of their jobs? With all these knock-offs invading everyday life, how can normal folk figure out where to properly direct their purse envy? Here's a brief tutorial explaining the difference between something that is ugly & expensive and just plain ugly.

Leather Baguette with Palazzo Coin Detail

Often it's the little details that give shoddy workmanship away. The coins should be evenly lined up and be in pristine condition. Most importantly they should not melt into a gooey chocolatey mess under the sun.

Coated Crepe Satin Spy Bag

Some designer handbags have hidden inbuilt features that are very difficult for an unqualified artisan to emulate. In this example, the thorny leather straps are actually removable, allowing the body of the bag to convert into a shower cap. According to police reports, many of the fake versions offered only poor or marginal protection for the hair under a steaming hot shower.

Bag du Jour with Crown Embroidery

Rub bag handles vigorously against your shoulder. If that does not leave a burning red mark, then the manufacturers are clearly using fake rope. Look closely at the blue swirls on the side of the bag. If the bag is real, then you will fall into a hypnotic trance and the word "Fendi" should clearly materialise under the crown. If the bag is fake, then the words "Burger King" will appear instead.

Small Embroidered B Bag

Part of the value from purchasing a designer bag comes from the knowledge that only the highest quality materials are used. For a bag like this one, the easiest way to tell is to lick the large buckle. Tastes like rare penguin guano? If not, then I'm afraid that you have been the victim of a horrific scam.

Linen Shopping Bag with Selleria Handles

This is perhaps the most copied handbag of the entire Fendi range. I've heard stories of amateur artists, armed with alphabet stencils and crayons, churning out piece after piece in the back alleys. When in doubt check out who is carrying the bag and its contents. Most farmer-looking types don't use authentic Fendi linen sacks to store grain, flour or feed.

Economies of scale

2006-06-15T23:21:00.000+08:00

Things you might add to your baby shower registry if you found out you were having quintuplets

Stretch mark cream

Automatic milking machine

Supermarket trolley to use in place of stroller

Louis Vuitton rolling luggage for carrying diapers

Powernap - 3 hours of deep sleep in 20 minutes

Mini van

Very high five-seat sofa for feeding

Baby monitor with cool split-screen technology

Violins x 2, Cellos x 2, Viola x 1

White gold diamond pacifiers x 5

What to get for Celebrity Father's Day

2006-06-14T23:20:00.000+08:00

I've been giving this some thought and you know what? I do believe I deserve something special like a brand new motorcycle, a helicopter or even a personality. Mad, Zahara and Shiloh can make the money easily by selling photos of themselves. Think about it - I've given my kids, even the adopted ones, some very valuable genes that you can't just show your appreciation for with a lousy pair of socks or a novelty tie.

Hmmm I guess I could use one of those stylish new iPods fitted out with all the latest accessories. It could come in handy when I go jogging in my boxers and especially when I need to drown out the sounds of the girlfriend and the ex-wife start bickering over me.

Look I don't want to turn this into some huge media circus. We're just going to take the kids out and do the things that all traditional nuclear families do, like kick the ball around and perform deathdefying stunts around the barbecue grill. And if there are any paparazzi which happen to be present, it'll make a great photo-op. It would also make my day if some people would stop fussing over the fine print and just sign the damn prenup already.

Oh the usual. Breakfast in bed, with five barely legal hookers and obscene amounts of cocaine. Who's your daddy? *leer*

I'm a simple man with an awesome heart so I think a card would do just fine. But just make sure to slip some cash in it. Nothing fancy, just a couple of hundred grand because I never know where I end up sleeping these days and I need the money for smokes, beer and recording my sorry excuse for an album.

I don't expect much from little Kal-El because he's only young. All I ask is for him to live up to his name by picking up a car with one hand, outrunning a speeding train or saving another baby from another burning building. Come on, just one display of superhuman strength for Daddy!

OK Paris and Prince Michael, this Father's Day I'm going to need for you to steal those secret court papers that claim that I'm not your biological father. When you've done that then you have to remove your veils and undergo drastic plastic surgery to show the court that you've inherited my delicate features. Then we can all live together as one happy family in a foreign country that has lots of orphanages.

I don't know if Violet can do anything about this but I would like for my name to stop being bandied about everytime there's rumour of a preposterous movie remake. I mean, Magnum PI, Star Trek, Casablanca, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid...that's just ridiculous. I was at one time a bankable actor you know. Oh and some new hairplugs would be nice. My current ones are giving me the worst migraines.

Another blog to visit: Ruby red - An idiot sammich in the picnic of life.

Lightweight and flighty are in

2006-06-13T23:44:00.000+08:00

Style.com is telling us that feathers are summer's must-haves. Who am I to argue with such a firm declaration. Instead I will show you the many many ways in which you can wear feathers, each more delightful than the next. You might just learn something and if not, well then chalk it up to good taste and breeding.

Naturally our starting point is Cher. What she doesn't know about feathers isn't worth knowing at all. She likes to keep her drag impersonators on their toes which is why she designed this particular pair of thigh high boots, which come with their own feather boas.

When it comes to hats though, you have to defer to Shirley Bassey. Best known for her big brassy booming voice. Which is why she needs a hat with superior muffling properties, so that she can hear herself think during her brilliantly bombastic live performances.

Feathers also make well-insulated sleeves to keep the arms warm, unlike say giraffe skin which has a tendency to split and reveal what type of push-up bra you are wearing underneath.

Charlotte Gainsbourg and Jennifer Connelly show us how to puff out the plumage to make things bigger than they seem. Although if you have seen some of Jennifer Connelly's early movies (but not so early as Labyrinth) you will know that she doesn't really need assistance in that department.

FACT: Before Christina Aguilera entered her Marilyn Monroe phase, she once got ready for a red carpet appearance by smearing herself in fake tan and rolling around in feathers, thus coining the expression "to tan and feather".
MYTH: No flamingos were hurt in the making of the dress

Finally, even the average bespectacled Chinese guy is partial to a bit of winged fancy. As in the wild, these feathers remain strictly ornamental for the purpose of attracting mates and scaring off potential rivals, predators and anyone else really.

Another blog to visit: Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies - "Courage is the greatest of all virtues, because if you haven't courage, you may not have an opportunity to use any of the others."

You Like, You Buy Vol 45

2006-06-12T22:50:00.000+08:00

There's nothing worse than having a bout of temperamental weather to come along and stymie one's best-laid fashion plans. Seems like someone up there is suffering from a bad case of PMS. In times like these, you'd best rely on an umbrella if you want to make any sort of fashion statement.

While umbrellas are plentiful and ready for the buying in Hong Kong, chances are that the ones you come across will all come from a little place known as Hop Hing Umbrella (http://hophingumbrella.com.hk). Listed below are some of the most popular models in Hop Hing's collection and the type of people they cater to.

For the person who buys a new one each time another building goes up along the harbourfront

For the child whose favourite Batman episode is the one where Robin defeats the evil Klansmen by getting them all tangled up in his bright blue cape

For the moron who feels the need to slap a picture of something insufferably cute on everything they carry, use at work or have sex on

For the person who wants to blend in with their camo capris

For the wildlife enthusiast

However none of the above umbrellas are designed for sharing, and as such are relegated to use by those doomed to walk the streets in soggy solitude. For a practical solution, co-dependent couples will need to check out www.umbrella.com.hk where love means never having to get wet.

The dating game

2006-06-09T23:26:00.000+08:00

After stalking your not-so-secret crush for several months and writing your phone number on the back of his hand with a tattoo gun, you might find yourself being asked out on a date by him. But that's just the beginning and those first few dates can make or break a relationship. You don't want to stuff it up by sending out the wrong signals through inappropriate clothing. Being somewhat of a relationship guru, I can spare you the agony of going through one of those silly wardrobe montages you see so often in the movies.

First date
First impressions are everything. This is how the winners of most reality contests are decided. You want to make sure it looks like you put some effort into looking nice for him but at the same time you don't want to scare him off by being too intense. The best thing to do is to keep things light (in colour), breezy (very little fabric) and fun (no bra).

Second date
Most people think that this is better worn on the first date but then those people are golddiggers. It is only on the second date when you should broach the subject of what other things he can buy you besides dinner. The message on this t-shirt actually works both ways because it shows that you don't condone wallowing in debt as a means to support your lavish lifestyle.

Third date
Wow, third date already. Are you sure he isn't feeling a little stifled? You might want to set a few parameters regarding exclusivity. It will be a relief to him to know that you're serious about being his girl at some point in the future but in the meantime it's also ok for him to bring back other harem slave girls to his perfumed den of iniquity.

Fourth date
Things are really hotting up now that it's ok for him to hold your hand in public. But if you want to be touched in other places, you'll need to convey that desire through a tactile fabric like crushed velour.

Fifth date
Before you take the relationship to the next level, now would be a good time to be perfectly honest with each other. He might not mind that you've been around the block more times than a noisy ice cream van but this dress says that maybe you should both wait a little longer, at least until the yeast infection clears up.

Sixth date
OK this is it! See how this convertible halter top can be manipulated into a variety of different positions to make everything seem 3 times tartier than they actually are? From here on end this versatility and inherent shamelessness is what's going to get you through the rest of the relationship, or at least until the very next morning.

Reader experiences are welcomed so that we might learn to improve our courtship signals. Did your well-planned outfit lead you on the path to blissful love? If you could turn back time to the one that got away, would you have worn things differently?

Another blog to visit: My Wardrobe Today - It takes so long to figure out what to wear most days, I might as well journal it!

Everything is bigger in China

2006-06-08T23:12:00.000+08:00

So this is what it means when the newspapers say that China has a big shoe industry. I'm pretty sure that it's cornered the market on big shoes so much so that the Abominable Snowman doesn't shop anywhere else.

When not in use, it can be rented out to the old woman and her brood of hyperactive children. Who knew that Mother Goose would be an economic saviour in a time of overpriced housing markets.

Clearly everything made in China is predicted to grow at the same rate as the country's GDP, leaving the rest of the world looking positively lilliputian by comparison. There have already been several audacious attempts to outsupersize the typical American helping.

For example, in some places, dessert is a townwide affair. Here the dessert in question is the traditional rice pudding - but why are people just standing around contemplating its incandescent deliciousness? Perhaps it's actually being used as a safety trampoline to entice a suicidal businessman to jump off from a ledge 50 feet above. All I know is that it's sweet and sticky and diving into it would feel like a Ghostbuster getting slimed.

If your tastes run more to the Western, then you're in luck because cakes in China now come readymade to serve 10,000 people. This is the sort of cake that solves problems. This is the sort of cake you order when you have no idea how many relatives your parents invited to your wedding reception. This is the sort of cake you wheel out for the revolutionaries so they won't stick your head on a pike after hearing you imperiously proclaim "let them eat cake".

And finally, for those who can't get enough processed meat in their diet.

Rumours are flying thick and fast about a world record but I won't believe it until I see it. They'd better start cracking on their application to the Guinness Book of Records before someone comes along with a toasted hotdog roll and a bucketful of relish. For now, it will have to remain locked in its metal casing and under tight security. This is exactly the sort of thing you don't want to land in the hands of the adult entertainment industry.

Overheard in a playground for very spoiled kids

2006-06-07T23:13:00.000+08:00

Yo mama so dumb she took Paxil instead of vitamins for post-partum depression!

Oh yeah, well yo mama so crazy she signed a contract with Tom Cruise!

What the hell are you staring at? Yo mama so pretentious she said "I just do things I think will be interesting and that have integrity. I hate those tacky, pointless, big, fluffy, unimportant movies” as well as "When you reach the pinnacle of your success at 26, as I did, it's not healthy.”

Nuh uh, yo mama so boringly derivative she dresses you up in Harajuku street fashion.

Oh no it's those stupid redhead twins. Hey yo mama such a bad actress she can't even open a Broadway show.

So's yo mama! Not to mention she has the dodgiest taste in men too.

Yo mama so out of shape, she can't even arouse Donald Trump anymore!

STFU who the hell yo mama anyway? Yo mama so unimportant nobody even remembers whether she was Romy or Michele.

Get lost! Yo mama..uh...uh..yo mama so fine both my parents want to elope to Africa with her!

Shut up just shut up everyone! Stop talking smack about yo mamas or I'll tell my mama what a trashy bunch y'all are!

This dressing is very tangy and flavourful

2006-06-06T23:17:00.000+08:00

Here's a little something to stave off the negative allusions associated with 06/06/06. Now with that out of the way, let's talk about salad and what it can do for you. There's a new philosophy making the rounds in the marketplace which can be encapsulated thus: "If it's good enough to splash vinaigrette on, it's good enough to wear."

It's a shame that most people don't consider checking their fridge crisper drawers first before shopping for clothes. If you look beyond the antioxidants and vitamins, you might just find that vegetables are an important source of vibrant but wearable garments.

The beauty of a tomato head dress is that it can be picked apart to add a real buzz and energy to any live performance, even if you are just an audience member. At any point in time there will be a number of people who make perfect targets for tomato throwing, whether it's the ham actor on stage or the person heckling you from behind because their view has been blocked by your ginormous hat.

Carrots, when eaten, converts into vitamin A which helps to improve vision. Carrots, when worn, not so beneficial for the eyesight.

Sliced fruit really dresses up a plain tunic the same way that it does to a rum punch. I'm getting inebriated in delight with just looking at all the pretty colours.

The full lettuce skirt keeps you looking cool and graceful during the sweltering summer days. But beware of the pervert in sequins and tight shorts who wants to sample your wares. He's really only interested in having a piece of your skirt, not what's under it!

Oh look, it's Tequila Cat's owner, ready and packed for a picnic with beltful of beets and a basket of unidentified yellow goo.

As it is, we've barely scratched the surface of salad fashion for there is plenty more that the fertile mind can create with chili and corn, mini tomatoes and delectable watermelons. However when faced with the incorrigible asparagus, eggplant and the like, there is little one can do other than to produce the most phallically suggestive dress known to mankind.

Another blog to visit: Omiru style for all - Pronounced "oh-MEE-roo," our name is derived from the Japanese word meaning "to see" and that is just what we hope Omiru.com does for you. We want to serve as your guide through the world of fashion and style so that you can see everything there is out there and make it your own.

Fashion Roadkill of the Day: Vol 50

2006-06-05T22:44:00.000+08:00

Would you just look at that! Do my eyes deceive me? Seems like we've reached the 50th instalment already! My how time flies when you're out on the street fumbling about with your digital camera like an incompetent terrorist and his automatic weapon, on the trail of the undeniable scent that is fashion roadkill.

For this special sesqui-something post, I'd like to turn the stage over to the few, the proud, the people who read this blog for a bit of a lark. I hope you're all up for a challenge because I want to weed out the truly gifted. If you've been following the saga closely over the previous 49 volumes, then you have the slight advantage of familiarity. If you've just joined, then I invite you to play along anyway. Beginner's luck is all you need.

I have selected five never-posted-before specimens from the annals of my hard drive. They have a lot to answer for but one of them did not dress themselves. The rest unfortunately did. Study them closely. Can you figure out which one is not to blame for their state of apparel, and while you're at it which one suffers from pattern blindness and which one lives in a home with no mirrors? Partial marks will be given for attempts at reasoning, however implausible they may be.

Exhibit 1

Exhibit 2

Exhibit 3

Exhibit 4

Exhibit 5

Another blog to visit: cherry garcia is good for health - everyone needs a sugar high

Celebrity spelling bee

2006-06-03T11:13:00.000+08:00

Moderator: The word is "guillotine"
Kirsten: g-u-i-l-l-o-t-i-n-e
Moderator: Correct. Your next word is "bra".
Kirsten: Could I have the meaning of the word please?

Moderator: The word is "promiscuous".
Paris: Uh...um..something something...m-e...
Moderator: Correct.

Moderator: Next contestant, the word is "thurr".
Ludacris: Can I have the word in a sentence please?
Moderator: Yo yo wassup g dogg watcha doin' herre in ma crib wit da crazy hos when I tolds u go thurr and bust a cap in dem punk ass white boyz shiznit foshizzle my nizzle!

Moderator: Your word is "pregnant".
Anna Nicole: Oh honey I can do more than spell it, let me show everyone how we arrive at that word in the first place

Moderator: The word is "imbecile". "Imbecile".
Mariah: *smiles, looks at assistant*
Mariah's assistant: "Imbecile". I-m-b-e-c-i-l-e. IMBECILE!
Moderator: That is correct.

Moderator: Next contestant, your word is "botox".
Nicole: Come on, do I even have to spell it out for you? *tries to emote*
Moderator: That will do. You are correct.

Moderator: Madonna, your word is "crucifix"
Madonna: "Crucifix". c-r-u-c-i-f-i-c-k-s. "Crucificks".
Moderator: That is incorrect.
Madonna: No, no, you don't understand. I reinvent words and spell them in new ways to keep them fresh and titillating for each new generation of English speakers. That's what I do.

Moderator: The word is "pedophile".
Michael: Don't you mean to say "Peter Pan"?
Moderator: Nope.
Michael: Or "bedtime companion"?
Moderator: Nope.
Michael: *sigh* Can I just spell the word "eccentric" instead?

Another blog to visit: Mister Cat - Food or lack of food, and everything else"

Hitch your wagon to a star

2006-06-01T23:24:00.000+08:00

Undeveloped countries that have already been shortlisted for the birth of the next Jolie-Pitt baby

BURKINA FASO
GDP per capita: $1200
Pros: Lack of selection of luxury resorts but migrant workers can be diverted from agricutural production to build a suitable abode
Cons: Middle America may have difficulties pronouncing and spelling town names like Ouagadougou

DJIBOUTI
GDP per capita: $1300
Pros: People carrying long lens cameras are shot on sight
Cons: Brad doesn't want any child of his being born in a country with the word "booty in it"

EAST TIMOR
GDP per capita: $400
Pros: Good opportunity for Maddox to see a Komodo dragon up close
Cons: Citizens are more concerned with fleeing violence rather than welcoming celebrity guests

ERITREA
GDP per capita: $1000
Pros: Known in ancient times as Land of the Gods which is only fitting
Cons: Tense relations with Ethiopia, could have problems bringing Zahara in

KENYA
GDP per capita: $1200
Pros: Lions and tigers, only in Kenya
Cons: Been there, done that

KYRGYZSTAN
GDP per capita: $1800
Pros: Offered to have the words "Team Jolie" inscribed on the national flag
Cons: Hard to find good travel guides on this region

MADAGASCAR
GDP per capita: $900
Pros: Local currency is classified as one of the world's least valued currency units, meaning that the US dollar goes a long long way
Cons: May be a little old hat already, thanks to the movie of the same name

NIGERIA
GDP per capita: $1000
Pros: Promised to immortalise the Jolie-Pitts by carving giant faces of each family member into the side of a mountain
Cons: May spawn a new rash of email scams asking for your help to transfer Brangelina donated funds back to the US where they so rightfully belong

NORTH KOREA
GDP per capita: $1800
Pros: Operates under a notoriously secretive dictatorship, which sounds somewhat novel and exciting in a spyish way
Cons: Kim Jong Il and his relentless criticism of the state of modern cinema

Another blog to visit: Moongjee - I sport white after Labor Day.

When going au naturel is not an option

2006-05-31T23:13:00.000+08:00

For many ladies, receiving their first invite to an event sponsored by a men's magazine can be rather daunting. How does one dress so that they don't appear to be the wrong type, the type who never ever get invited to these things? What a lucky dilemma to be in! I would love to answer that "anything goes" when it comes to these type of events but that would be incredibly misleading. Oh if only things were so simple as they are with the guys!

There are in fact, some unwritten rules that you won't necessarily find in the fashion magazines, being so obsessed with churning out highbrow advertorials as they are. Because this blog cares about highbrow, middlebrow, lowbrow and even lowerbrow in equal measure, here are some pointers for the novice b-list partygoer.

As Jodie demonstrates, there is a way of holding it all together without resorting to duct tape. A desirable body shape is achieved through judicious use of a leather bustier, keeping everything as safe as two piping hot rolls snugly ensconced in a breadbasket.

If you're going in a group, you might want to think hard about matching tight clothing. Unlike other occasions, there is no shame in being seen in a similar outfit because the guys are going to assume that you all think and talk alike anyway and share the same lesbian tendencies when inebriated.

In the old days people would frown upon wearing casual clothing in the presence of photographers, but we have evolved to a point where we are more tolerant about red carpet dress codes and the notion of Bai Ling as a celebrity. Denim is acceptable as long as it's buttoned up and secured with a belt.

Of course some traditionalists still prefer to stick with a smart pantsuit. These suits come insured against unexpected heaving in case the single button pops open with such ferocity that it becomes embedded in someone's eye socket, leaving only one eye free to ogle the goods on display.

If the bit between your breasts and crotch is the most attractive part of you, then by all means play up that part of your body. At the same time you can play down your bust with some bad hair extensions.

Bold prints can make for an eye-catching ensemble and help you stand out from the crowd. Don't be shy, when mixed in with simple clean lines, it can make for a very figure flattering style.

Finally, you really can't go wrong with classic black. But be sure to give it an eclectic feel by mixing it up - implausibly spherical breasts, metallic gold glistening against bare skin and my personal favourite, cameltoe.

Another blog to visit: Flaurella - I own a tiara and I am not afraid to use it

Hot careers 2006

2006-05-30T21:21:00.000+08:00

Once your children have mastered basic life skills like using the toilet without making a mess, it's time to set them on the path to career success. Not interested in any of the glossy brochures you've shown them? Well have you considered pre-enrolling them in the armed forces? Not only is the military always scouting for talent, but it recognises that kids can do more than just look cute in army fatigues.

What a brilliant idea. As soon as they are big enough to hold a long stick, teach them to ram it into your stomach. Of course this is all just practice for when asssault rifles come in junior sizes.

Here's what a typical lesson plan would look like:
6-7am: reveille, "Simon Says" breakfast drill
7-8am: breakfast and morning roll call (to the tune of Old McDonald Had a Farm)
8-9am: water pistol marksmanship
9-9.30am: milk break
9.30-11am: video - unarmed combat the Barney way
11am-12pm: "My Very First Terrorist" colouring book - colour in the terrorists and learn some new interrogation tactics
12-1pm: lunch
1-2pm: dollhouse siege
2-3pm: nap
3-4pm: playground obstacle course
4pm: personal time and demerit details

In all likelihood your child will probably resent you in the beginning for packing them off to military kindergarten. But after a couple of weeks the complaints will stop and they'll become quite accustomed to keeping things superorganized and neat and sleeping in hard cots. After all isn't that what a career is about - getting used to doing something everyday until it becomes almost bearable?

Another blog to visit: Free PMS - you have to get to know me really...there's too much.

You Like, You Buy Vol 44

2006-05-29T23:46:00.000+08:00

Another promising weekend washed out by the interminable rain. At this rate, I won't have any money left for shopping. Instead I'll have spent it all on tasty treats to accompany a rainy afternoon spent watching insufferably bad movies. Next time you're hosting a movie night, eschew the popcorn for your local Park'n'Shop (www.parknshop.com) or Wellcome (www.wellcomehk.com) supermarkets. Can I interest you in a savoury meat or seafood snack?

Satay Sliced Beef

Recommended watching: It's almost a main course on its own, so you'll need to watch something pretty heavy going like an Oscar-nominated movie that ponders deep questions of love and war with a pungent slice of religion thrown in.

Curry Spring Roll

Recommended watching: Looks great in the packaging and you think that you can go through it in one entire sitting. Think again, because by the first ad break you'll be wondering how to get the smell and stain out your fingers. Best suited for an awards ceremony, royal wedding, Olympics opening/closing ceremony, beauty pageant or reality show finale.

Fish Sausage (Garlic and Chilli)

Recommended watching: Despite the clever use of garlic and chilli to mask the true flavour, your agile tastebuds can still detect fishy undertones. A must-eat accompaniment to any of the CSI spinoffs.

Pork Floss

Recommended watching: It would not be unfair to liken pork floss to a chunk of meat that was chewed up, spat out, then air dried to retain maximum salival flavour. But at the same time pork floss is light and fluffy, the adult version of fairy floss. It only makes sense to eat it while watching cartoons that have disturbingly mature themes, ie most Disney movies.

Beef curry cube

Recommended reading: The spicy bite-sized pieces are handy for fast-paced action movies where you can't take your eyes off the screen for even one second otherwise you will miss a plot point or worse still, an important cameo. There should also be plenty of raunchy love scenes so that your tastebuds can practically feel the heat radiating between the two leads.

Dried pork stick

Recommended watching: Stripped down to its bare pork flavour, this dried stick probably has "bland" written in Chinese characters all over it. Appropriate for viewing a dispassionately narrated documentary revolving around the mating habits of slow-moving insects that can't even fly.

Seasoned Roller Cuttlefish

Recommended watching: Its shape and size make it perfect for B-grade horror movies. You can nervously nibble at it and quickly lift it to block the screen when it all becomes too much bear. And you don't have to worry about ole cuttlefish coming back from the abyss and devouring you whole because it's been seasoned and kneaded to death.

Squid ham sausage

Recommended watching: Like any tv show which opens to strong ratings, it starts off with the promise of something interestingly different and eclectic, mixed in with a whole bunch of other mindboggling stuff. But along the way, the flavour quickly becomes old and by the end, it leaves a very unsatisfying aftertaste in your mouth.

It would be such a shame to throw them out

2006-05-26T23:47:00.000+08:00

What to do with your designer jeans when they are no longer the hot new cult brand of the moment

Turn them into environmentally friendly cotton insulation for your home

Hide outdated stitching and other distinctive garment details under leather holsters

Pass them down to future generations as a treasured heirloom in the hope they will appreciate in value instead of being remembered as a discontinued lower-end goods.

Set them on fire and wait for the hunky firefighters to arrive

Whip up a pair of utilitarian but adorable overalls for your pet and send them out to work in the fields

Use the remainder to crudely fashion a denim bikini for the summer

Shrink them mercilessly and pass them off as toddler couture to conspicuously consumptive parents

Convert to Islam and deem them your prayer pants

Dye selective areas and give yourself a round of applause for doing such a sterling job

Roll them into a ball with all your other pairs of unwanted jeans and leave it lying around for people to gawk at

Another blog to visit: Ulysses... the quest continues - Yes, there's a quest... but there's also a lot of moaning as well.

Wealth and progress

2006-05-25T22:52:00.000+08:00

I dread the day when we run out of things to stick diamonds on. Whatever will rich folk buy for amusement then? I shall be monitoring the situation closely because we must constantly push ourselves to scale new heights in luxury. This is how progress is measured.

Diamond phone

$1 million and 120 carats. That is all you really need to know. This is one phone you don't want to be leaving behind in a nightclub. You'd call the number and the person who found it would ask if you also had Michael Jackson's glove to go with it. The special edition La Million de la Nuit is produced by Goldvish (www.goldvish.com), a luxury communication goods company. I can't believe they can build a whole industry around luxury communications without paying close attention to basic elements like size and shape. Sure it's devastatingly sparkly but it looks unwieldier than an illegal replica of a Star Trek blade. "Swiss excellence" - Bah!

Diamond car

Really, there has to be a more effective way to launder conflict diamonds. Normally you'd just make a p0rn film and pay the cast and crew in precious gems. Instead you've now got a car that you can't park on the road or you can't trust with the valet. Plus, you've totally taken the attention away from your kickass fur-trimmed seats. The only thing that could possibly save this failed purchase is if it had inbuilt crime-fighting capabilities and had its synthesized voice set to a gangsta accent.

Budget option

She may only be speckled with Swarovski crystals but there are 1 million of them (starting price at 1 Euro each) and we're not moving them off her body fast enough. When I last checked, the people of Hong Kong had bought close to 70, which is surprisingly low because I thought there would have been more erotic art enthusiasts here. You can do your bit as well by purchasing a single crystal, or if you are a person of considerable financial means, buying enough to start your own little Swarovski stockpile. Better still, buy up all the rest of the crystals together with the model herself. I'm sure she'll appreciate not having to stand around for the next few months waiting for a bidding war to erupt over the last crucial stones encrusting her ladybits.

Logic and lateral thinking are optional

2006-05-24T23:07:00.000+08:00

Celebrity Brain Teasers

PROBLEM 1
The actress named Tara is dumber than the actress named Lindsay.
Mischa is dumber than Nicole but smarter than Paris.
Nicole is dumber than Lindsay.
Paris is smarter than Tara.
List the actresses in the order of their stupidity, starting with the dumbest.
Answer:
Going by names alone, the dumbest actress is Tara, the next dumbest is Paris, the next dumbest is Mischa, the next dumbest is Nicole, and the least stupid (or the "smartest" in a loose sense of the world) is Lindsay.

PROBLEM 2
A boy and his father are injured in a car accident. Both are taken to different hospitals. The boy is taken to surgery. A hot sexy, bosom-heaving surgeon with luscious lips looks at the boy and says, "I cannot operate on this boy -- he's my son."
Answer:
The surgeon is the boy's hot mother, the one and only Angelina Jolie.

PROBLEM 3
A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Being an astute observer, he picks one door and lives. Please explain.
Answer:
He picks the third door because the reason the lions haven't eaten in 3 years is because they are obssessed with their body image in true Hollywood-style.

PROBLEM 4
A woman shoots her lover. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But a few hours later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
Answer
This is just a typical day in the topsy-turvy on-off rollercoaster relationship of Sienna Miller and Jude Law

PROBLEM 5
Two babies born on the same day in the same year with the same mother and father are not twins. Can you explain how this can be?
Answer:
The two babies are born to Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. They are two of a set of triplets due to Kevin's sperm being so extraordinarily powerful that it can even impregnate an entire herd of elephants in one sitting.

PROBLEM 6
Richie Sambora needs to cross a river in a canoe. With him, he has Denise Richards, Heather Locklear, and Charlie Sheen. He can only carry one of the three at a time. If he leaves Denise and Heather, they will beat each other to death. If he takes Heather, it will get ugly between Charlie and Denise and also violate the terms of the restraining order. How does he successfully cross the river with everyone intact?
Answer:
Lull them all into submission with some mindbending guitar riffs, then tie Charlie so that he drags along in the water behind the canoe. You can now ferry the ladies across one at the time. Untying Charlie at the end of the journey is at optional.

PROBLEM 7
A man walks outside one day and it starts to rain. However he has to save the world in the pouring rain without any overhead cover or umbrella before he can find shelter. Yet not one hair on his head gets wet. How is this possible?
Answer:
The man is international action hero Bruce Willis

It's good to be domesticated

2006-05-23T22:56:00.000+08:00

What a heartening sight! My faith in humanity is restored! It seems like China has finally seen the error of its ways and accepted that little dogs do belong in clothing after all. See how besotted little "Dollar" is with wearing his spiffy neckerchief. Oh it's good to be domesticated. So good that Beijing is now home to Asia's largest dog theme park .

The Coolbaby Theme Park features the nation's first pet restaurant where dogs are treated as valued patrons rather than valued appetizers. How the tables have turned! They can even pee into their owner's drinks for fun.

They get to order from the a-la-carte menu, plus they don't even need to learn proper table manners or correct silverware usage.

The park's recreational facilities are without peer. There are obstacle courses, a playground where frisbees and sticks can be rented for a modest fee and an Olympic-sized swimming pool. Here they can time each other doing laps and bark words of encouragement from poolside like "Omigod that bitch is catching up. Faster, faster!"

And the clothes...did I mention the clothes? In this genteel country-club like atmosphere, it is only natural to find pets looking their Sunday best everyday! "Little Orange" needed 4 visits from the couturier to get the ruffles just so.

With amount of pets just clamouring to sniff butts and be sniffed up the butt at this joint, it's practically a given that Coolbaby is booked out on most days. If you are a dogowner in China, you'd best make reservations because if not, wouldn't you just end up looking small and foolish then.

Another blog to visit: FAB-ulous - A Fashion Addict's Bible

You don't need to understand the lyrics

2006-05-22T22:39:00.000+08:00

This week's Fashion Roadkill has been pre-empted by something monumentally more terrifying. The musical and fashion cornucopia that is Eurovision exploded all over Athens during the weekend, leaving everyone's senses reeling. History was made in the Olympic Stadium as for the very first time, the winner's title fell....not, Macedonia, not even Moldova but to Mordor!!

Through the very loose criteria prescribed by the European Broadcasting Union, the Uruk-Hai managed to qualify and bludgeoned their way to victory with a headbanging religio-rock anthem about the "Arockalypse" and the day of "Rockoning". They've got horns, they've got fangs but they really just want to save you from an eternity of pop damnation!

No amount of bumping and grinding by the Moldovans could sway the judges, nor could the lyrics I'll give you my choco, do you want it or not?. Free choco on a night other than Halloween should always be looked upon with suspicion.

Macedonia's Elena Risteska tried to raise the sex quotient well, much to the dismay of one of her dancers. He is seen here being forced to simulate a most unnatural act, earning himself a nasty case of denim burn as he chafes his sensitive areas against the back of Elena's short shorts.

Even as the camera zoomed up to get a bird's eye view of Croatia's womanly canal, it was clear that no baby would be born tonight.

Iceland knew that if it didn't work out, she could still keep the headdress, lose the underwear and find viable employment on many stages.

Although the Turkish star is a powerful Islamic symbol, the troupe found that it was better used to transform themselves into sexy sheriffs who engaged in fierce but graceful dance duels.

Belarus didn't figure too prominently throughout the competition and with good reason. What a complete mess! This is what happens when you get one of those unlicensed "operate from home, over the kitchen sink" hairdressers to do your hair and sew the sleeves on your costume.

I can't wait until Asiavision hits our shores. Or maybe it already has and it just passed me by because I'm too busy writing indignant letters to broadcasting authorities trying to make it happen. I don't know if Hong Kong is musically up there with the rest of the continent but I think we can pull off camp quite respectably.

Another blog to visit: Cool Stones - Looking, playing and designing with beautiful gemstones has cured me of my insatiable jewelry collecting habit. I no longer feel the need to own and hoard jewelry. I now hoard gemstones! There's no stopping me when I see something I love...you know the feeling...it's mine no matter what.

Of dirndls and panties

2006-05-19T22:50:00.000+08:00

I've got a good feeling about Germany's fortunes at this year's World Cup. Even if they don't win, think about all the money they'll make from flogging grassy soccer vests and dioramic headbands. Not only that but some canny designers have made the dirndl more athletic, giving the fraulein something to wear while bending it with Ballack.

When they're tired of swishing around their field in their dainty dresses, all they have to do is lean forward and the crowd goes wild.

Of course the Germans will have stiff competition in the form of South Korea, which you may remember are planning to export their
finest cheerleaders. Have you seen how big their balls are?

The Korean merchandising push is quite possibly the most formidable deployment of resources since the 38th parallel was crossed. We're talking brightly coloured underwear with the "Reds LOVE" slogan emblazoned where people are most likely to look.

Like in the real game, wearing your team colours requires skill and it's mostly in the leg action.

While at the same time keeping your shoulders back and chest out.

I believe you can also collect souvenir orangutans to mark the occasion, fresh from the rainforests of Borneo. There's a jersey-clad one for every team and unsurprisingly the French one is prone to drama.

Another blog to visit: Rhiannon in the Great White North - Here in Canada only a lucky few live in igloos

The clue is in the clothing

2006-05-18T23:43:00.000+08:00

Tonight is the night! The Greatest Story Ever Told (ie how they straightened Tom Hanks' hair) will be screening in Hong Kong cinemas from tonight onwards. I dare say I'm clutching my Fleur-de-Lys Cross Key so excitedly it's drawing blood!

But to pierce the flesh effectively, you need one of these babies. You wear the cilice round your upper thigh for two hours and hey presto you're mortified! And I thought mortification meant walking in on your grandparents performing sex rites at the monthly gathering of their secret society.

It may also delight you to know that at the Cannes premiere, some of the important guests paraded down the red carpet in clothes that bore cryptic messages. Needless to say I solved these myself with some help from my Nancy Drew decoder ring.

Here we have Eva Herzigova in a puzzling creation. Notice how the front drape falls between her legs to form a V shape. The V could stand for the female body part the dress is trying to highlight but I don't think it's as simple as that. In fact, it reminds of...an inverted pyramid. I also don't think that it's a coincidence that Eva is Czech.

If you put those two clues together, you get Czech (Check!) the inverted pyramid. But where...there must be thousands, perhaps millions around the world. I think the answer lies in the colour of the bikini-gown. It's a vibrant yellow and when I see yellow I immediately associate it with Chinese people. So, perhaps there is an inverted pyramid in China somewhere..or, even an inverted pyramid designed by a Chinese person. Ohhhhhh they're telling us to check the inverted pyramid designed by IM Pei which means that the Holy Grail is totally buried under Dallas City Hall!

Marianne Faithfull's appearance certainly piqued my curiosity. She's not in the movie but instead has joined the film festival to promote Marie Antoinette. Could this be the producers' way of telling us not to waste our money and to watch her movie instead? No, use your brain cells! "Marie Antoinette" was directed by SOFIA Coppola, the name SOFIA being the password to unlocking the first cryptex.

And what of the young fellow beside her? If you look closely at his sleeves, you'll see a bar code pattern which when scanned, I'm sure will reveal the exorbitant price of such a hideous designer suit.

Have to admit I was quite thrown by this one. Was there a secret message buried within the intricate designs of this perplexing garment? Was the lace woven backwards in Fibonacci code and in mirror form?

Upon deeper reflection I realised that the dress was intentionally see-through in order to reveal the thong. Let's not forget Jesus wore sandal-thongs. Combine that with the mini-series Lace which told the story of a porn star seeking her real MOTHER, and you are looking straight at Mother Mary. Which means that oh my god not only did the Catholic Church orchestrate the whole conspiracy but they also perpetuated the myth that Mary Magdalene was a tacky ho who wore her underwear out in public!

Tulips and pansies oh my

2006-05-17T23:16:00.000+08:00

Yes, it's that time of the year again. When flowers blossom forth from the soil to make fetching head adornments for those of us don't suffer from pollen allergies. If you can turn up the pretty with just a fresh flower in your hair, imagine what a sizeable chunk of your neighbour's prizewinning garden can do.

Took me several seconds to realise it was a ten gallon hat instead of a floral rendition of one of those cars in the "Italian Job". Wearing it will make you cut an imposing figure as you mosey on through the saloon doors, until of course you slowly remove it and ask the bartender "Could you put these in some water?"

What a unique bouquet arrangement! It manages to say "Happy Birthday", "Get out of rehab soon", "Pregnant, again?", "With deepest sympathy that thieves stole your $100,000 Christian Dior Mother's Day basket" and "Congratulations on your prenup!" all at once.

Seriously, a flesh coloured hat and a white thick cottage-cheese like substance? All signs point to a yeast infection. Never mind, when you're done with decorating your head quite tastelessly, don't be afraid to show off the blooms elsewhere as well.

And if you think you're way way too rough and coarse to wear these precious blossoms, think again! You'll find that they elegantly wrap around one's precise body proportions even when they're not trying to devour you.

Well it beats having parasitic head lice instead. Be assured, this is no garden variety grasshopper. By following the tug of its sensory feelers, it will lead you to likeminded individuals. Just don't be surprised if it turns out to be a stick insect in gigantic rollers:

Another blog to visit: La Revista del Corazón - Disfruta con los cotilleos y las noticias de las revistas del corazón, de la prensa rosa y famosos.

Premiering a movie nobody remembers

2006-05-16T22:58:00.000+08:00

I'm guessing Hollywood finally got around to making a movie called "Hooker Cops". It's set in a futuristic Tokyo which is heavily policed by British men in suits who drive around the noirish city, enlisting sexy streetwalkers to join the law enforcement ranks, thereby cleaning up the streets and boosting criminal justice manpower at the same time. Or it could just be the long-awaited Tokyo premiere of Transporter 2.

Although the movie was released everywhere else in the world in 2005 and everybody's probably forgotten how craptastic it was, that doesn't seem to bother the Transporter himself too much. The women of Japan have taken to him like as if he's a giant Hello Kitty doll.

He's practically being squeezed to death by the kawaii bridage, including one who never seems to stray from his upper thigh/groinal area, meaning that she will in all likelihood wake up tomorrow with some very bruised knees.

Not that Mr Transporter guy is any stranger to the Asian babe contingent. In the first instalment, he starred opposite Taiwanese actress Shu Qi, who has since gone on to become a diaphanously clad harem maiden.

This time round, he has to make do with posing mock seriously beside Yinling of Joytoy (a name which has entered the modern vernacular much like Shakespeare of Stratford), the Taiwanese born-erotic model-actress-vocalist-race queen-ultimate geek fantasy. But for all her diverse and adult-rated talents, something must be lacking because she goes and does the unthinkable by pairing red with pink.

Honestly I don't think that a frilly red garter smacks of stern discipline. They don't make very secure handcuffs at all. All I'm saying is that if you want to make an authoritative statement, you're going to have to bust out some chains and black leather.

You will be greeted warmly upon arrival

2006-05-15T22:36:00.000+08:00

Random messages that might appear on the e-message board at Hong Kong airport

Dear John
We have finally met each other. You are so screwed.
Get out here now, your wife and your mistress

Message for Tim the backpacker:
See you in arrival hall A. I brought a suitcase full of money and laxatives. Hope the bag of coke inside your stomach didn't burst.

Dearest Horace
Sorry I won't be able to pick you up. Have taken the kids and run off with my tennis instructor. Divorce papers will be served in arrival hall B.
No hard feelings, Wilhelmina

Dear visitor
Welcome to Hong Kong. Copy watch? Copy handbag? Copy DVDs? Custom tailor suit? For you special price!

To my darling Susan:
Marry me now! (I'm serious, they're about to deport me if you don't).
Your boyfriend Tommy who loves you so much he overstayed on his tourist visa

Message for Mr Jones of Global Corp:
Your super stretch hotel limousine has been arranged and charged to your company account. However the trio of Slovenian hookers you ordered will only take cash.

Dear Cathy
Have you been taking care of yourself? You look so thin! Are you sure you have been eating properly? Put on a coat or you'll catch a cold! Are you wearing a pair of clean undies? When are you going to settle down and get married! Oh I know a nice young man you should meet!
Love, Mum

Hi FoxyGal16
So excited to finally see u in person! Hope you are as hot as the half-naked picture you emailed me :) I'll be in arrival hall B touching myself under a grimy trenchcoat and looking closer to 40 instead of 18 like I said on Myspace.

No you stay there and I'll come over instead

2006-05-08T16:30:00.000+08:00

Barely enough time to settle back in my mosquito-ridden apartment and now I must duck out again for parts known. Let me give you a small hint to my whereabouts in the next week.

Hopefully this make things a bit more obvious, if you don't have an inkling by now.

OK, now is just a dead giveaway. Geez, do I have to spell it out for you folks?

Yes that's right, I will be marauding the city of London, the place that Sienna Miller put on the map, the place where there's an it girl to be found on every street corner. Forget about all this "The British are coming" nonsense, I'm going to the British instead. Unfortunately this trip is mostly about business, the only pleasure coming in the form of soaking up the legendary theatre scene. Posting will resume next Monday so in the meantime I invite you to give this "Anglomania" thing a shot.

Let us help you help yourself

2006-05-05T22:53:00.000+08:00

What would go down at an intervention for self-destructive wild child Lindsay Lohan

Sorry we lied to you. This isn't really a gathering of random people to celebrate your return to being a redhead. Lindsay, we've called you here today because we are very concerned about you.

TARA: For starters we think your partying is out of control. Don't deny it. We know you're out every night, getting wasted at any club that will let you in and making a spectacle of yourself. We've seen the pictures, along with everyone else who's ever logged on to the internet. Please take a look at them and see the depths to which you have sunk.

TERI: Not to mention what it's doing to your complexion. It looks terrible. But it's not too late to get treatment. I'll be with you every step of the way. If you don't get help, you'll wake up one day and bam! realise that you've used up the world's supply of makeup and airbrushing.

NICOLE: I want to address the whole "is she or isn't she" weight issue. I remember how fresh and healthy you looked when you started out. Now you're just a bag of bones. When was the last time you were photographed eating? I'm not just going to stand here and let you wither away like that. Eat something dammit! *cries*

PETE: Let's not beat around the bush here. I want to talk about the drug rumours. I can help you Lindsay. I don't want to see you laid out on some filthy toilet floor with a needle sticking out of your arm. Or worse still, having to dress up for court every week. Think about all the impressionable girls who now think that it's cool to be a crackhead because of your antics. No more half-ass attempts at rehab. You've become a bad influence on Kate, and until you kick the habit properly, I don't think you two should hang out anymore.

PARIS: Don't get me wrong Lindz, I think you're a wonderful person but you're getting a reputation for being quite the slut. The way you just hop from guy to guy like they're food stations at a buffet banquet. Sleeping around is not sexy and it's not hot. If you don't respect yourself, how can you expect the rest of us to do the same?

ELTON: It's sad to see how your lifestyle is affecting your relationships with other people. Look at all these silly little feuds you've started with your erratic behaviour. It's not ok to spout off juvenile insults about your celebrity brethren even if they are probably true. You just come off looking like a tired diva who needs a hobby like gardening or something.

BRITNEY: Not everyone in your life cares about you as much as we do. Some of your so-called friends are no more than despicable hangers on seeking to ride the coattails of your fame and money. They might be fun to do tequila shots or have casual unprotected sex with but you can't rely on them when it counts. They won't be there for you when you take a tumble out of the high chair. Take a good look around, it's pretty obvious who they are and you need to dump them pronto.

EVA: You could really do with some time away from the limelight. Go on take a break, lay low for a while. You need it after all the non-stop publicity you've been getting. Every premiere, every talkshow, every magazine cover, there you are. People have started groaning and rolling their eyes everytime your name comes up in conversation. Admit it, you're overexposed. Sooner or later the public is going to get sick of you and forget why you were even famous in the first place.

SHARON: Lindsay darling, you're an absolute mess! But forget about dealing with all the personal crap, you're neglecting the most important thing in your life - your career. I worry about what direction you're heading in. You need to start thinking about riskier roles. Films that will challenge your abilities and make moviegoers see you in a totally different light. You don't just want to be known for one movie that you did hundreds of years ago. That would be just pathetic.

Another blog to visit: Chief Ten Bears - I mostly make these wooden bears. Other times find me shooting wedding videos, chopping firewood, and balancing the company book-keeping. I spastically shout 'mazletov' whenever glass is breaking nearby. I'm a non-skier living in a ski resort... and I love bears more than they will ever know.

Say it with a ring

2006-05-04T23:21:00.000+08:00

Do you have something difficult to tell your petit cherie? A relationship is hard enough as it is without you blundering around inarticulately, struggling to get your message across. Instead say it with a ring from Dior Joaillerie. Everything is that much better with jewellery.

No intention of settling down with her but unwilling to give up the home-cooked meals and sex? Commitment-phobes, take heed, this is the essential ring to deal with those annoying little hints she keeps dropping about your future together.
It says: "There's too much happening in my life at the moment, so all I can offer for now is this messed up ring as a symbol of how grotesquely complicated things are between us in the present time. If you play your cards right and stick around I might just take it back and upgrade it to a classic diamond solitaire, or a state-of-the art freestanding range cooker, one day."

So you made a mistake and she really was the one who got away. Prepare to plead and grovel for a second chance at true love but don't do it empty-handed.
It says: I still love you so much that not only does my heart bleeds for you but if you count the number of diamonds on that thing, you'll see that my wallet also bleeds for you.

These past few weeks were fantastic but your other mistress, the ocean, calls and you must take your leave of the saucy wench gently stirring beside you. Before slipping noiselessly out the door with your thumping wooden peg leg and squawking parrot in tow, leave a plundered trinket for her to remember you by. Who knows when the fair winds will bring the dreaded sails of the Dastardly Bling towards this port again?

You can apologise until you're blue in the face but words don't cut it when an STD was involved. Reassure her that you've cleaned up your act with this striking bauble.
It says: Baby, I really really didn't mean to give you that rash. Believe me, I would have worn a condom if she wasn't on the pill. But all that's in the past and from now on I'm going to need for you to wear this. Whenever I see you with that on, I'm going to remember how the disease ravaged my nether regions and keep it all zipped in.

You've been going out for over a year now, but there's still a few things she doesn't know about you. Like the fact that you happen to be walk among the undead. She's a pretty one but a tad unobservant. How could she not have noticed the lack of mirrors, the coffin bed and the vials of blood in the fridge. Slip the ring on her finger, bare your fangs and ask her to join you in an eternal journey into the darkness. If she still doesn't get it, she never will.

Soccer can get fiercely competitive

2006-05-03T23:17:00.000+08:00

The hooligans haven't even landed yet and already the World Cup action is hotting up. In Korea alone, ten thousand women are vying the opportunity to perkily shake their poms poms and form human pyramids for their country. It's reassuring to know that there are so many limber females out there who are standing by, ready to rally the crowd at a moment's notice.

This batch of contenders seems be fairly matched but Miss Lower-Left-Corner wants it just that little bit more than everyone else. She knows that this is the culmination of everything that life has to offer. She won't hesitate to kneecap somebody to get a place on the squad. Yeah, this is the big leagues. This is it! Bring! It! On! Beeyotches! Why all the fierce competition and mild cussing? A lot of it has to do with the dream of wearing the special World Cup cheerleading uniforms.

And that's just the training gear. The onfield costumes are much more official looking and inspire heart-swelling patriotism.

But it's not the cheerleaders who will have exciting new uniforms. Because the World Cup is held in Germany this year, we can also expect a few efficiency-enhancing changes to the referee stylings. No need to reach for the shirt pocket when your entire body can be used to warn offending players.

The number of yellow cards might seem a bit excessive but then again some of those wild card teams tend to have trouble playing by the rules.

Another blog to visit: verbal croquis - A hopeful cynic studying the stark differences between the fashion industry and the apparel industry

Backstage at Australian Fashion Week

2006-05-02T23:10:00.000+08:00

Better than London Fashion Week! That's the verdict that people have been giving Australian Fashion Week. Well no wonder because one only has to look behind the scenes and realise that what goes on backstage with the gorgeous talent could easily pass for any of the other international fashion capitals.

Most accidents at fashion shows result from exposed elbows rather than falling light beams. As a general rule, don't grip a model by the arm unless you want your hand sliced open.

To fulfil the artistic theme of the show, it is often necessary to book models of a similar nature. This merely provides evidence to support the theory of the fungibility of models. It also shows why fashion shows are treated as a handy one-stop shop by men of considerable financial means who like dating a steady succession of different women who look essentially the same.

For all the styling and primping that goes on before the crucial moment, there is never a hair straightener to be found whenever you need one.

Medical experts warn that stomping down the catwalk on a full stomach can cause heartburn and indigestion. However there always has to be one silly girl can barely stand up straight after gorging on a lettuce leaf or some sunflower seeds.

With some models, it would be naive to expect that they will wear anything handed to them. Not only will they give you a reproachful scowl in the manner of a pissed off cat but the offending garment will be flung back at you in an unravelled mess:

Then there is the slightly stunned look of a model who has drawn the short straw, and spends her entire time backstage reassuring herself that it can't be all that bad...

when really it is.

Another blog to visit: Shop Diary - This is my little space where I can shamelessly write about my mild obsession with fashion and shopping

Plenty of reason to celebrate

2006-05-01T22:34:00.000+08:00

Once again Golden Week is upon us and I must brace myself for the crippling drop in productivity. A three day work week here in Hong Kong, and an entire week off for the hardworking and hard spending folk of mainland China. There's going to be nobody around to writeall those inane office memos that I enjoy so much like the ones setting out the correct use of the pantry refrigerator (apparently harvested organs are a no go).

This year's Golden Week provides an extra special reason to celebrate in the light of the recent news that Chinese women are forcing change and moving up in the world. Believe me there is no greater measure of a nation's progress.

The rise in cup sizes has also led to corresponding improvements in the quality of underwear. These days one only has to go as far as Jinan City to procure the finest gold thread underwear spun by Rumpelstiltskin himself.

Bigger breasts were also a key theme at the invitation only Millionaire Fair in Shanghai. While I've never personally attended a Millionaire Fair, I've often imagined that it would be a very upscale affair, with gilded carousels, livestock branded with designer logos and a name dropping fortune teller holding a degree in wealth management. At this particular fair, instead of a pony, rich people were treated to a rare display of Jordan in the flesh.

See China is not as closed to the outside world as you would think! Someone on the inside obviously had access to British tabloids and thought it would be a fabulous idea to bring her over and let everyone see what standards Chinese women should aspire to.

Meanwhile the people of Cyprus were waking up to what they thought was just the aftermath of yet another bachelor party involving the military and a billy goat, but was actually the longest bra chain in the world. There was much crying and gnashing of teeth among the Singaporeans upon hearing their previous record was broken but whaddya do? For every bra you collect, there's always some guy in a trenchcoat out there who has a dozen more stashed in his briefcase.

Once the Filipinos learn to lactate en masse, we can also expect a breastfeeding record to be broken in the coming week. Ladies, we live in history-making times and what better way to commemorate them by going out and getting a new set. Remember the only way forward is to bowl everyone else over.

Another blog to visit: Kitchen Wench - feeding her friends, one recipe at a time!

Coming to a newsstand near you

2006-04-28T23:02:00.000+08:00

Special forthcoming issues of People Magazine that won't necessarily have Angelina Jolie gracing the cover

People Magazine's 100 Most Bootiful

People Magazine's 100 Most Bountiful

People Magazine's 100 Most Booze-filled

People Magazine's 100 Most Dutiful

People Magazine's 100 Most Bruteful

People in the Vatican City's 100 Most Beatific

People Magazine's 100 Most Bastardful

People Magazine's 100 Most Stupid Fools

Another blog to visit: Papierdoll - Word in Fashion

OK by me in America!

2006-04-27T21:56:00.000+08:00

I like to be in A-me-ri-ca! Many hellos in A-me-ri-ca! I am back from A-me-ri-ca! All the fast food and tv you could ever possibly hope to consume! What more could you ask for in life? If somebody would buy me a luxury beachside condo-mansion (with maid service) and a fuel-efficient luxury car I would gladly live there.

Ah holidays, the only thing that can make the loathsomeness of work slightly bearable. However getting there and back is always challenging. Why must people pack everything INCLUDING the kitchen sink in their carry-on luggage? Why would anyone waste one inflight entertainment channel on Aeon Flux? Why does the food smell like, but taste worse than, burnt rubber? Why are there always footprints on the toilet seat?

Yet it was all worth it so I could be near Suri Cruise when she silently entered the world. LA was certainly expansive and expensive! But apart from doing a little shopping, I can't really remember what else I got up to. The nights in particular seemed to pass by in a blur.

The highlight of the vacation though was San Francisco. SF in SF, how positively droll! Besides checking out the famous attractions, I also had the chance to enjoy the city's vibrant Chinatown. In fact, there were some awfully familiar sights.

All on the same ferry trip! And in the same tour group even! It's like I never left home.

California here I come

2006-04-16T23:27:00.000+08:00

There's a scion of Scientology about to be born any minute now so you can't expect me just to sit here twiddling my thumbs. That's right, I'll be spending the next week and a half in California, lapping up what excitements Los Angeles has to offer. To be sure, there is much to be seen and there are also several plates of fried chicken and syrupy waffles bearing my name on them. How can I bring this technology back to Hong Kong?

I hear that there are some very skilled and economical plastic surgeons out there too, so don't be surprised if I come back looking a little different.

There will also be some time for a sojourn in San Francisco, a city that comes recommended by many of its visitors for its fine sights and dining. On occasion, they do fashion as well.

I'll be back on April 26th so mark your calendars. In the meantime swoop upon the nearest person, sway your hips against theirs sensuously from side to side and dip them back dramatically, all without getting anyone pregnant.

Never skimp on food

2006-04-13T23:46:00.000+08:00

Allow me to slip on my form-fitting gold vinyl bunny suit and wish you Happy Easter! Not everyone is a fan of Christianity but there's no denying Jesus performed the ultimate act of heroism by dying for our sins, bequeathing us a really long weekend in the process. So much of the quality of this festival depends on the quality of the food that gets churned out every year - the hot cross buns, the chocolate, the candy, the cakes..and because it's a HOLIDAY I don't have to eat them hunched over my workdesk like a wizened ape trying to stop crumbs from spilling all over the keyboard. All I have to do is pop the top button on my jeans and spend the next four days on the couch in a continual snack loop, moving only for bowel and bladder reasons.

As the very wealthy will tell you, never skimp on food. Caviar? Only the very best. Truffles? Let's see what the pigs dragged in today. Foie gras? Use it in place of butter. If you're not already living a life of shameless excess then you probably need to take a step back and reassess your lifestyle. Some suggestions, gleaned from recent offerings, follow.

The Macdonald sandwich costs $148 making it the world's most expensive sandwich. Sold at Selfridges in London, it contains Wagyu beef, fresh lobe foie gras, black truffle mayonnaise, brie de meaux, rocket, red pepper and mustard confit and English plum tomatoes. However it is not as high class as you would think because there are no diamonds embedded in the bread. It is essentially a fancy-sounding beef salad sammich without the free fries and drink. Sandwiches that aren't sold by the end of the day will be distributed to homeless people who have developed a taste for succulent Japanese cattle.

That's more like it, the Diamond Stella Egg is covered with 100 half-carat diamonds and valued at $87,500. Instead of being glued on, chocolate artisans dropped a bunch of diamonds into the melting vat and hoped for the best. The resulting egg is bigger than my head but contains much much more like peach and apricot chocolates and pralines. I'm not one to talk but some say it can even be used as a fake pregnant belly.

Wash your meal down with the $1000 mint julep (found on the FTOTZ). Mint from Morocco, ice from the Arctic Circle and sugar from the South Pacific...how charmingly diverse, even more so than the Jolie-Pitt family! The souvenir gold cup and silver straw make a valuable addition to, or a good starting point for accumulating, the family silver. Proceeds go to help retired racehorses, a far more deserving group than say retired celebrities who come out of retirement whenever the coke money runs out.

Finally, if you're preparing for the arrival of the Easter Rabbit this year, make sure that your ladder is amply stocked with festive treats. Don't hold out on him because I hear he has a tendency to treat people's gardens as his personal buffet table.

In which Pooh has the awesomest birthday party ever

2006-04-12T23:40:00.000+08:00

Congratulations Pooh Bear! I don't know what you did to earn a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame but then again Godzilla and Kermit the Frog managed to achieve the same honour and I haven't seen them in anything decent for ages. Not to mention the last time Godzilla appeared on the big screen, he was severely outacted and outclassed by Jean Reno!

It was also good of Pooh's good buddies to come out and support him (all except Piglet that is, who had stormed off in a huff after finding out that Pooh would be in the centre of every photo) because this is probably the only time they'll get close to a red carpet. Personally I think Eeyore deserves props for delivering such a brilliantly understated and unrestrained performance throughout the series but unfortunately the personal life of a morose donkey doesn't generate enough heat to warrant tabloid coverage.

The dedication ceremony coincided with Pooh's 80th birthday meaning there was lots to celebrate. Once they reached the birthday venue Pooh and his friends clambered out of their itchy polyester costumes and that's when the party really got started.

Suddenly it all made sense. Why there's a redwood forest in the Playboy Mansion, why they're called HEFFalumps, why Pooh always has three companions, what Pooh really means when says "Oh, stuff and fluff", why that apology letter to Jessica Alba (star of Honey) took so long to write and was punctuated with lots of "Oh bothers".....

I gotta say that Tigger sure knows how to bounce out of a cake. But the best birthday present of all was the news that the wise and gentle Christopher Robin would be replaced with a girl for the next animated series. Even through the depths of 80-year-old brain fog, Pooh had a very clear idea of which girl he wanted share in his unusual adventures in the enchanted part of the forest.

We take our fashion very seriously

2006-04-11T23:17:00.000+08:00

Forgive me little ones! In trying to keep up with the devastating onslaught of fashion week after fashion week around the world, I allowed my attention to stray from home. Had I known that Vogue was going to do a piece about Haute Hong Kong I would have helped them along a little bit. It's like Fashion Roadkill with designer name-dropping! As it is, the resulting piece belies the spirit of what it means to be fabulously wealthy in Hong Kong. I don't need Vogue to tell me that we take our fashion seriously. Clothes were described inaccurately. People were misquoted. Liberties were taken. But with some skilful editing I've managed to make the world right again.

Fashion lover Mira Yeh explained, "All my life I wanted to own a deranged poodle but the ones in Hong Kong are creepily sane", so she chose to stylistically commemorate the pet that never was. The unique lace effect was created by the jaws of an overeager rottweiler.

Swimwear designer Wendy Hotung had a young Manila cake decorator set his icing gun to Traditional Wedding Cake and work his magic. Her bag is an "Original Sacher-Torte" and her shoes are those dainty petit fours they serve you right at the end of the meal when you are so stuffed and can't positively eat anything more. But the thought that they are factored in the price of your meal somehow forces your stomach to open up a teeny bit so you manage to cram a fistful down like painkillers during a morning hangover and empty the rest into your handbag. Wendy says, "I had five minutes to whisk my outfit together. There was no time for sprinkles".

Actress Josie Ho declared, "Watch out for those foot grills, I nearly burnt my toes off. Do you think if I stand like this Karl Lagerfeld will notice that one leg is shorter than the other? Although I come from money I am trying to act like I don't really belong here and that I find wearing Chanel to be a somewhat awkward experience because I'm an actress and that's what actresses do. Act and wear Chanel."

Fanny Sieh, known as the "ball queen of Hong Kong" chose a dress that has been worn several times over but with a wider slit to expose that most klassy of cleavages, côté cleavage (or side cleavage to laymen):

"To go to a Chanel show, one must err on the side of Drew Barrymore."

For the Alexander McQueen fashion show at the legendary Joyce boutique, starlet Hilary Tsui eschewed her hairbrush. Her shoes are expensive and too big for her but she likes to think it's because she lost a lot of weight through doing that krumping thing Madonna does in her music videos.

Joyce shopper Venice Chan spent a lot of money on shiny stuff from Dior but didn't actually try any of it on beforehand, hence what you see above. Her daughter Orange is loathful of her name and equally loathful of being made to wear an orange tank top but no matter how hard she tries, can't resent the fact that she can use "Michael Kors", "Chloe" and "Pucci" in the same sentence to describe the rest of her outfit.

Fashion Roadkill of the Day: Vol 49

2006-04-10T22:42:00.000+08:00

Lately I've been wonderful to be around. Everybody's been trying to guess what's come over me. Is it because I've stopped taking medication? Started new medication? Or just a new haircut? Why no silly, it's because I've finally made peace with leggings.

Like anyone else I thought they were harbingers of death and destruction to street fashion. Slowly they would work their way into everyone's attire until we would all be transformed into the lycra-bound walking undead. But the more I saw the more I began to understand them. Yes they are ugly and they serve no real purpose and 99.99% of people don't have the ankles for them, but they're part of our history. It's not up to us to selectively decide what to ignore and what to celebrate. If we turn our backs on leggings, we might as well erase from our collective memories the entire catalogue of 80s fashion. Let's just pretend shoulderpads, side ponytails and double t-shirts in pastel colours never existed! Absurd!

I tell you I was making such good progress, I'd even stopped gagging at the sight of lace leggings (see above right)! Then BAM! Out of nowhere, it all came undone by a woman who didn't know the meaning of middle-aged.

Flesh-coloured leggings. A formidable adversary indeed. They lull you into thinking that you're going to be treated to an impromptu show of a stranger's ladybits and then you take a closer look against your better judgment and it turns out to be much much worse. So now I'm back to hating leggings, and not to mention flesh-coloured sleeves too.

Another blog to visit: Chic Alert - If you're sophisticated and chic and have a passion for fashion, health and beauty then the Chic Alert is for you.

The Best Man Speech at a Soap Opera Wedding

2006-04-07T22:59:00.000+08:00

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. For those of you who don't know me, my name is Colt and I'm Steele's younger brother and best man. To tell the truth Steele is actually the product of our mother's affair with my uncle, making Steele my half-brother and possibly my cousin assuming that my uncle is really my dad's brother because you never quite know what's happening with this family. Since I had already prepared the speech and everything, we thought it would be best to proceed as originally planned. But how this will alter the split of the massive wealth we stand to inherit and the dynamics in our family empire remains to be seen.

Enough about me, let's get onto celebrating the love between Cherish and Steele which is why we're all here today. I think you'd all agree that it was a great service this morning. Indeed it's been a while since we've all been to a wedding without incident. Special mention should go to the bridesmaids who all look lovely and are only outshone by the lovely bride Cherish. I'd also like to thank guests who have travelled from distant places such as Moldavia to join this happy event.

Cherish and Steele have known each other ever since they were children. As they grew up watching their fathers trying to takeover each other's company, their forced rivalry blossomed into love. However despite their deep feelings for one another they never really got together until much later on because the timing was never right. Whenever Cherish was single, Steele would already be in a relationship and whenever Steele was available, Cherish would either too busy dating or being stalked by another guy.

Finally destiny prevailed and at the end of Season 3 they shared their first kiss. Like any couple, they've had to go through some rough patches to test their commitment to each other. The parents were understandably upset at first given their age-old enmity. Our stepmother Montana, in particular, who is also Steele's ex-wife (try not to think about it too much or your head will explode) didn't take the news too well. *chuckle* Some of you may fondly remember Montana's more elaborate schemes like the kidnapping plot and the part where she tried to electrocute Cherish in her own jacuzzi.

When Steele finally proposed to Cherish, everyone breathed a huge sigh of relief that their on-off relationship would be resolved once and for all. They had broken up so many times by then that I even took the opportunity to have a brief affair with Cherish during one of these timeouts. However we ended our relationship amicably because anyone can see that Cherish and Steele are meant for each other. Besides, I do a good job of bottling up my residual feelings for her.

As far as marriage advice goes, I don't think I'm qualified to give any since my last wife Paisley was sleeping around and I accidentally killed her by pushing her down the stairs during a vicious struggle for the tv remote. Both Cherish and Steele have been both married before, but this time promises to be different. All the backstabbing, lies, betrayals and stolen babies are entirely things of the past.

If Steele can survive being shot point blank in the chest, like what happened at the end of Season 4, then he'll surely be able to handle marriage. What a cliffhanger that shooting was! We had to wait for three months to find out who did it. Even Cherish was a suspect even though she had temporarily left Port Sunshine on little yacht bound for a summer of self-discovery in Paris. I was kind of worried that Cherish would come back a different person but thankfully that didn't happen.

In Cherish, Steele has found someone who will make not only a good wife but a good mother to his son who was fathered illegitimately with a runaway golddigger from the poor part of town. Steele Jr's real mother Billie-Jo-Lee is actually here today as one of the radiant bridesmaids but the doctors have only given her weeks to live.

At this point, it's customary for the best man's speech to veer into a short history lesson. Interestingly enough on this day, two years ago, Cherish's family home burnt down while the family was celebrating her miraculous remission after a tumour the size of a basketball was found in her brain. When we found what appeared to be her body in the charred wreckage we assumed that was the end of her. Many of you would also have attended her funeral, where I gave a stirring eulogy that was similar to this speech. Needless to say, Cherish escaped alive but it was some months before Steele could reunite with his love because of her temporary amnesia which led her to hide out in a remote log cabin and hook up with a crazy mountain man.

I started planning this speech many months ago, and you must feel like I have been delivering it equally as long, but now it gives me immense pleasure, not to mention relief, to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast...oh my god...the Moldavians have guns.... everybody on the floor now! Don't shoot! Don't shoot! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Whatever goes on the models stays on

2006-04-06T22:57:00.000+08:00

Whoa there, somebody FedEx a crate of Hollywood tape over to Bombay before people start getting arrested! A word of caution to budding designers - when you find that Tara Reid is becoming your muse, you better start rethinking your collection or it's going to end up looking dated, tired, worn and pathetic.

Those Indian fashion designers could learn a thing or to from their Eastern friends about keeping it all together. They run a tight ship over in Beijing and nothing hits the runway unless it's fully secured.

Avoid disaster with the prudent use of two straps. Wearing strapless outfits are akin to leaving the gate open at a mental institution. Before long the crazy inmates will spill out chaotically into the public domain, causing people on the streets to be mildly aghast and not know where they're supposed to look.

All headgear should be tied securely to your face to stymie errant gusts of wind. Scared the wind will also blow your panties off? Lock them up behind a heavy duty grill as you would your virgin daughter.

The smart way of accessorising with super long bead necklaces is to wear them short. Otherwise you'll end up tripping and making the beads scatter everywhere, ruining a pretty necklace but not before dislocating your neck.

When in doubt bolt that monocle to your helmet. That way you can have a crystal clear view of the battle and notice that 10,000 pound elephant charging in your direction before it's too late.

*Sigh* If you really have your mind set on parading around in a skimpy bra top with little means of support, then there's nothing anyone else can do about it other than recommend that you have a pair of emergency ta-ta covers handy when the inevitable strikes.

It pays to wear two sets of underpants in case one fails to do the job of fencing in your genitalia properly. I'd be careful around pranksters though unless you want to experience the sublime sensation of having your pants pulled down and an atomic wedgie at the same time.

Another blog to visit: malefactor - Pornokarma on the ground in NYC

Stress puppies

2006-04-05T22:56:00.000+08:00

No matter how pampered they may seem, celebrity pets pay a hefty price for having it all and it shows in their sad little eyes. Juggling fame, fortune and an owner who weighs less than you is a recipe for chronic stress and related illnesses like an addiction to sniffing cocaine instead of another dog's butt. A survey found that the most common causes of anxiety in dogs are:

1. not being able to catch own tail
2. growing too big for designer dog carrier and thus having to walk
3. being upstaged by the cat next door in terms of owning cute but pointless accessories
4. having a low win percentage on puppywar.com
5. trying to decide between leather pants and cargos

Fortunately help is at hand for your frazzled pets in the form of doga, yoga for dogs. Get started with some basic moves, to be performed in a calm and barkfree environment.

Dog tilt

Standing straight with legs together, lift your hind legs (it's ok to let your master help you) so that your paws point outwards. Hold the pose for at least two or three breaths. Look around quizzically wondering why you aren't urinating at this point.

Puppy pose

Stand erect, resting your weight on two legs instead of the usual four. Bend your knees, showing off your nether regions as you do so. Pause at this point and allow your tongue to loll about gracefully.

Downward facing dog

Climb onto your master and use them to slowly raise your hips into an inverted V shape. Bend your front legs and stretch your body, pushing your ass up towards the sky. Keep your gaze soft and shoulders down, then exhale from ass.

Play dead pose

End your session by lying on your front supported by your master's arms. Your master's hands should be held in a prayer position in front of their chest. Tense and relax the muscles, allowing your paws to fall out to the sides. Try to visualise where you buried that bone and let yourself sink deep to that hidden place. Repeat this mantra to yourself slowly "Must. Not. Hump. Leg.".

It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen

2006-04-04T23:05:00.000+08:00

Singapore Fashion Week! At last, an opportunity for Singapore to break out from being the little island-nation-state that could. To draw breathless reviews that for once didn't include words like "Orwellian", "squeaky-clean" or "soulless, like the tunes of Sharon Stone jamming in a recording studio". Well did the rest of the world sit up and take notice? Probably not and here's why.

There's an unwritten rule that when a city puts on a fashion week, it should last for no longer than the time it takes to experience all the major attractions of that city. How Singapore managed to stretch its fashion festival out to 10 days is beyond me. There are only so many merlion statues to visit about town and once you've got your mind around how drunk a mermaid and a lion had to get before they created that, the itinerary starts looking pretty thin.

However that's not to say that the clothes on parade were not worthy. Indeed there was a whole lotta fashion involved, just not a lot of Singapore. Jean-Paul Gaultier, Escada, Calvin Klein, Salvatore Ferragamo, Missoni, Diane von Furstenberg - I dare say this stuff looked awfully familiar as if it had already been covered by...oh, I don't know, PARIS fashion week, or say MILAN fashion week or even NEW YORK fashion week? And what about Top freaking Shop? That is padding if I ever saw it.

Not only that, but the runway choreographer seemed to have taken copious notes from Britney Spears' performance at the 2001 MTV Video Music Awards. That snake doesn't even look home-grown to me.

The highlight of the festival was Triumph's Decadence and Desire show but take a look at that, I bet that ass was flown in from abroad.

Likewise the wackiness had to be imported, with this pocketful of style from Thailand (above) and pantsless convict gear from Indonesia (below).

A shame really, because the local designers could have stepped up to the plate and impressed everyone with how bizarre they really could be, thus putting the Singapore in Singapore Fashion Week. Oh well, there's always next year's event, and all that official nicey nice subtle repression has to eventually come out one way or another.

You Like, You Buy Vol 43

2006-04-03T23:04:00.000+08:00

While Hong Kong is not exactly a lingerie capital, you'd still be hard pressed to find a dull brassiere in this fair city. The amazing kaleidoscope of bra colours and patterns for sale is only surpassed by the amazing kaleidoscope of stupid things people manage to wear on top of their undergarments.

It has also become perfectly acceptable to display your bra straps in public. This is because all standards of decency went out the window once crotch-riding jeans and cameltoe tracksuits came into vogue. Investing in a quality set of interchangeable straps allows you to switch them according to your various moods and peccadilloes. If you're like most women I know and have a tendency to misplace your bra in a crowded nightclub, then be sure to bulk order your straps from somewhere like master haberdashers Garland (garland.com.hk).

Romantic series
For when the first stirrings of young love turn to thoughts of getting past first base

Party hard series
These days it takes more than just a pushup bra and a tissue box to get noticed

Party even harder series
Does it matter whether your name is on the list or not? The sheer naivete emanating from these straps is guaranteed to get you past the toughest bouncers and door b*tches.

Deluxe formal series
For the formal events like weddings, bar mitzvahs, courtroom appearances, these lend an air of sophistication and gravitas. GL-963 is also suitably tragic for solemn occasions.

Practical series
Sweet and simple designs for everyday wear. In particular, GL365 unfolds into a feminine hygiene product (with wings) at a moment's notice.

What happens when creative juices dry up

2006-04-01T10:48:00.000+08:00

HOLLYWOOD REMAKES OF THE OLD TESTAMENT

Ben Hur 2: The Hasty and the Wrathful
Director Jan de Bont follows in the hallowed footsteps of Cecil B. Demille with this long awaited sequel. Ben Hur (Vin Diesel) returns to the hippodrome to defend his title at the prestigious World Chariot Racing Championships. However this time he faces a ruthless challenger known as Gaius to the Maximus (Kevin Spacey) who will stop at nothing to win. Featuring Bow Wow as rival chariot team leader and Carmen Electra as love interest.

Bad Hair Dayz
Kevin Federline turns in a strong debut performance as Samson the most popular senior at Philistine High. When he dumps his girlfriend (Tara Reid) just before their final prom, her emo sister Delilah (Ashlee Simpson) vows to pay revenge by sleeping with him many times and then maybe cutting off his prized cornrow mullet. But first she has to compete for his attention with the nasty but gorgeous clique known as the The Heifers (Nicole Richie, Lindsay Lohan, Mischa Barton).

Snakes on a Felucca
High-octane thriller directed by Michael Bay. Charismatic everyman Moses (Nic Cage) misses the bus at rush hour and hitches a ride home on a passing sailboat. However a crazy foreign-sounding bastard (John Malkovich) is also using the boat to smuggle a deadly cargo of snakes with bombs strapped to them. Chaos breaks out on board when one of the reptiles breaks loose and sets about freeing the others. It's up to Moses to save the rivers of the Nile from exploding serpents so that he can get home to his hot wife (Adriana Lima) and kids.

A Den to Remember
In this bittersweet coming of age story, Daniel (played by that kid from Two and a Half Men) is an awkward pre-teen who is sent by his warring parents to spend a summer in Babylon. Rejected by his peers, he strikes up an unlikely friendship with a spunky, free-spirited and quirky lion (Kate Hudson) who teaches him about making the most of life. However the Lion is hiding a tragic secret which threatens to end their relationship.

The Seasoning Murders
A clever suspense thriller that will have viewers on the edge of their seats. After a botched case which kills her partner (Freddie Prinze Jr), Special Agent Miriam (Ashley Judd) is assigned to desk duty in a small town in midwest Canaan. She is soon forced back into the detective game when the deputy mayor Lot (Ben Affleck) finds his wife petrified into a pillar of salt. Her investigations lead her uncover a startling conspiracy linked to the fledgling commodity markets.

Sodom and Gomorrah
Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson team up with the Farrelly Brothers for a wacky new comedy about love and friendship. Best friends since grade school, Sodom (Stiller) and Gomorrah (Wilson) made a pact never to get married. Fast forward to twenty years later when Gomorrah is about to wed the woman of his dreams (Jessica Alba). Hoping to change his buddy's mind and protect the sanctity of bachelorhood, Sodom takes Gomorrah on the most debauched stag weekend ever to show him what he's missing out on.

If the shoe fits wear it on your head

2006-03-30T23:20:00.000+08:00

Oooohhh I've had it up to *here* with all my friggin' hats. They are way more trouble than they're worth. I've got half a mind to stack them on top of another jenga-style and revel in delight when they collapse.

One of my biggest problems has been finding the right fit. Either they're too big to start off with, leaving you floundering about like a kitten with a soup bowl on its head, but once you pop them in the wash they come out barely able to cover your crown.

And by the end of the day, it usually ends up sliding right down onto your face and making a huge mess. Why abide with that sort of nuisance when I already have cheap mascara and foundation to do that for me.

Knowing too well these problems that have plagued hat-wearers, designers have come up with some convenient alternatives.

Left to right: An expensive-looking too-good-to-be-worn shoe that also gives the impression that you like being stepped on; Gargantuan mutant rose, nourished on the flesh of hobos who wander onto the garden in search of a place to nap

Left to right: Paper bag in a neutral shade for those "ugly" days; Tribute to the most diligent member of the Addams Family, also converts into a handy backscratcher

Left to right: Teddy bear or other cute plush toy, ripped from the hands of a screaming toddler; A weighty tome to give the appearance of high intellect when it is actually a Dan Brown made-for-movie novel in hard cover.

Left to right: Aluminium foil in sufficient quantity to deflect mind control rays; Quill pen set, historically worn by Victorian-age geeks before pocket protectors were invented.

Louis Vuitton One-Click Shopping

2006-03-29T23:43:00.000+08:00

The impending launch of Louis Vuitton's online shopping service in Asia fills me with great trepidation. I can only hope the user interface is as sophisticated as Amazon's, thus allowing us a glimpse into the delicate psyche of the Louis Vuitton customer.

Monogram Perforation Pochette Accessoires

Customers who bought this also bought:
Band-Aid Adhesive Bandages, Assorted, Sheer 80 bandages
Swingline / Adjustable 2-3 Hole Punch, 9/32", Black / SWI74020
JT Perforated Leather Thong

Multistrap sandal

Customers who really liked this also really liked:
Wearing interchangeable watch straps, all at the same time
Chafing their feet to death
The idea of being buckled securely into a Deluxe Strait Jacket

Double face cashmere three coloured belted poncho

Customers who thought it was ok to wear this and walk on the streets also thought:
How careless of me, I seem to have left my bag and my arms back at the bar
I wished my apartment complex would let me keep little dogs
Clint Eastwood would have turned in a far superior performance if he had filmed all his spaghetti westerns without wearing any pants

ID Necklace, Yellow Gold and Diamonds

Customers who demanded their boyfriends buy them this also demanded:
Whatever else they pointed out in the store window
A weekly allowance to help them discover their inner fabulosity
To be called Princess otherwise they would stomp their feet and go off to pout in the corner

Leather patchwork bag

Customers who needed this in order to impress their social acquaintances also needed:
To start extending their social circle beyond kids in third grade art class
Prescription eyewear
To be taken out the back and have some taste slapped into them with a fake 9-iron

Another blog to visit: Denimology - for those addicted to premium & vintage denim jeans

The art of seduction

2006-03-28T22:47:00.000+08:00

Why don't you lean in a little closer to the computer screen and we can have a cosy tête-à-tête about the art of seduction? I think we could all use a little self-improvement in this area, unless of course you feel completely secure in the company of your 1000 stinky mewling cats or you are gay in which case there are four failproof methods as shown by a recent open-air seminar in Hong Kong.

Now that I have your full attention, I offer up some cogent solutions for people seeking to attract the opposite sex.

GUYS
Women are such exquisite creatures that you cannot purport to achieve mastery over all their different types in one lifetime. Therefore you must focus your energies in one sector - eg a particular hair colour, a particular occupation, a particular way of tucking you in bed just like how Mum does! Some men would have you believe that the only women worth seducing are topless dancers. They are totally correct. So much so that there is an entire book devoted to this niche called "Topless Secret - An Insider's Guide to Scoring with Dancers." (www.topless-secret.com)

Why this book hasn't trounced Dr Phil's fluff on the New York Times list is beyond me. At $19.97, it has a lot going for it:
- the author's image on the website is photoshopped very convincingly
- the author has 15 years of experience living and breathing titty bars
- strategy, strategy, strategy

Once you've learnt the secrets to wooing topless dancers, you can look forward to a whole lot of Dude! Duuuuude! Phwoar!!! *secret manly handshake* *high-five* *back-slap*

GALS
Here's a little tip. If your man says that he likes you just the way you are, he is too stingy to pay for your surgical enhancements. He would rather spend the money frequently topless clubs. However Plastic Assets is more than happy to provide financial independence in this respect.

I'm sure the cost of the implants is built into some exorbitant hidden interest rate and fee structure but don't let the fine print dissuade you. There are discounts for any future work you want done (and let's face it, that butt of yours hasn't been looking too crash hot lately).

Always remember that breasts and cleavage are the lynchpins in any effective seductive strategy. Downplaying them would be like marching into war without heavy artillery and tinned food. What are you going to let the object of your affections grab onto when he's drunkenly pawing in your direction? Your personality?

Another blog to visit: The Philosophical Marshmallow - 100% woman. Mixed it up in Seoul, London and Hong Kong before landing to rest in New York. Partying will resume at age 30.

Fashion Roadkill of the Day: Vol 48

2006-03-27T23:16:00.000+08:00

aka The Five People You Meet On Public Transport

The woman for whom everyday is a little bit like St Patrick's Day

The man who keeps a strict rein on his wife's spending habits but pays for it dearly when she meticulously picks out the least appealing castoffs at factory outlets for him to wear.

The cleanest man in his village, and therefore the one voted to take charge of poultry sanitation.

The person who likes to remind everyone else that they are well on the way to being nouveau riche and are only taking public transport because their economy sedan is being customised with a gold emblem and exhaust trim.

The lady who takes five minutes out of the day, no matter where she is, to do stretching exercises.

In the boardroom with Daddy Trump

2006-03-24T23:17:00.000+08:00

Donald Jr
Donald when I first saw you and that familiar-looking chin, I thought you had a great deal of potential. But after your recent performance I don't know if you have what it takes to be a Trump. You were a disaster out there on the golf course last week. I needed you to focus on your swing but your mind wasn't there. I'm still annoyed at how you managed your wedding. The project went over way budget because you went with a Hawaiian theme. Did you check the prices of dolphins and turtles beforehand? You're a good kid and luckily you picked a looker for a wife. That really saved you. If she wasn't my daughter-in-law, perhaps I'd be dating her. Theoretically I still could because she's not a blood relation. You have a think about that because I'm not going to wait around forever for you to lift your game.

Ivanka
Coming into this game, you had two things working against you. Chipmunk cheeks and a trashy sounding name. I think you handled puberty splendidly and you've made me proud to have such a hot daughter. Getting some modelling experience as well as a college degree was a well thought-out strategy. However I feel you should be putting yourself out there more. I want your name to be the first one that comes up when people think heiress. I want you to have your own reality show where you gallivant around the countryside performing acts of random kindness to yokels in return for money. Your immediate challenge is to help the ratings on my show go up. For that you could stand to lose a little more weight and wear more revealing clothing.

Tiffany
Last time we spoke I thought those braces would be coming off. I'm not particularly impressed by what I see. What are you, 12 now? When the child support runs out then what are you going to do? At least if you looked like your mother you could run out and snare a billionaire, maybe even make the marriage last for more than what the prenup is set up for. Your lack of a feasible business plan is very disappointing. However I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt because you're still at that awkward age where you're not even aware of the fact that your mother said I was the best sex she ever had. I presume that I am paying for your very expensive education so start making connections with your schoolmates now. I don't see how someone who's the product of good sex and good education can have achieved so little.

Barron
To be honest I wasn't too thrilled to have you on board. I have to admit though that you did a good job with the pregnancy. There were no irrational mood swings, bouts of morning sickness and best of all no stretch marks. Melania and I are very pleased and as a reward, you get to spend some valuable time with me on my yacht this week. Every bit of extra time brings you closer to earning paternal love. In the meantime, work on your communication skills and your temper. I saw you scream and throw food at the nanny the other day. If this is how you're going to be like when managing a staff of thousands then I feel pretty comfortable handing the reins over to you.

Eric
The time has come when you can no longer coast off being the youngest son. You had nine months to prepare for this yet I don't see you stepping up to the plate of second-youngest son. You're very smart but too quiet. Out of everyone, you make the least contribution to dinnertime conversation. And how long did it take you to pick out a Trump Parc condo to live in? My marriage to your mother was a mess and you, Donny and Ivanka just stood there and let it happen. Which one of you do you think should get fired? See, you can't even make a firm decision about which sibling to backstab. There's also your lack of confidence. Why haven't you brought home a foxy model yet? Don't make excuses. They don't all have herpes. Eric, you're fired. Pack your things and get out of here.

Another blog to visit: EmilyStyle - How to be a fabulous little lady in a big city

Don't you know it's rude to stare?

2006-03-23T23:07:00.000+08:00

Oh Good Golly Miss Molly, am I seeing what I'm seeing??!? Bracelet-neck-chain thingys are back in? I hope that bowtie is clip-on otherwise that's going to add at least another 10 minutes to my morning routine! And check out that pair of boots!

Say what you want about LA Fashion Week but I'm picking up all kinds of tips and trends from the Agent Provocateur Show. Come Fall 2006, you're going to be feeling mighty underdressed if you don't have any of these must-have pieces.

Ribbon belts, not just for ample-waisted bridesmaids anymore! They tend to get loose easily so make sure you tie them tight enough so that you hear a rib crack.

The three quarter sleeved cardigan was invented by a minor English nobleman who wanted to be able to don something without disturbing his coiffure when the air conditioning in his office was cranked up way too high but at the same time didn't want crumbs all over his sleeves when taking a delightful sandwich lunch at his desk. Till this day it remains a cute layering essential, especially when in pastel colours.

Does the little black dress even need an introduction? It's a timeless classic that suits just about any occasion. Of course I don't need to tell you that the emphasis should be on little rather than black.

The appearance of absurd novelty sunglasses in the fall collection does not bode well for the future. It means people are expecting Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie to still be undeservingly famous six months from now.

Satin gloves are perfect for covering up those hirsute arms. I'd like to ask to get some honest answers from readers on this - after a long winter of neglecting your depilatory routine, have you ever been mistaken for a bear that's just awakened from deep hibernation? Because I get that a lot.

Hooray for the pillbox hat with French netting. Tilted at the correct angle it adds mystique and allure, offering up questions with no good answers. Is she a deadly cruel penis-lopping femme fatale but in a thrilling Hitchcockian twist turns out to be really nice once you get to know her? Is she an amiable, soft-spoken cutie but in a thrilling Hitchcockian twist transforms into a raging backstabbing bitch when you're not around? How does that thing stay on without a chin strap?

Another blog to visit: Hoyden-About-Town - hoyden (hoid'n): woman of saucy, boisterous or carefree behavior

Parlor games that might actually be fun

2006-03-23T11:04:00.000+08:00

Games played at Nicollette Sheridan's Bridal Shower

The Buzzword Game
When each guest arrives at the shower, hand them a vibrator. Every time Eva Longoria mentions the word "sex", "orgasm", "naked" or just even opens her mouth to speak everybody gets to slap her on the head with their vibrator. The winner is..everyone really.

The Toilet Paper Game
Divide the guests into several teams. Each team is given 15 minutes to reconstruct the dress below using rolls of toilet paper. The winning team's design will be worn by some starlet at the next major awards ceremony.

The Confetti Cone Race
Help the bride out by having shower guests make confetti-filled cones to be used at the wedding. Have everyone sit around a table with copies of Vanity Fair (the one with Teri Hatcher on the cover), a holepunch and some scissors. Whoever destroys the most magazines in a ten minute period wins a prize.

The Diva Game
Each guest is given a Golden Globe and a swimsuit to wear for a group photo. However anytime someone explodes into a hissy fit over their swimsuit or position in the photo, another guest can snatch away their Golden Globe. The guest with the most Golden Globes at the end of the shower gets to flaunt them in everyone's faces.

The Drawing Game
Each guest is handed a piece of paper, a pen and a blindfold. After putting on a blindfold, their task is to draw what Teri Hatcher would look like on high-definition TV, using as much detail as possible. Give them 2 minutes to finish their drawings and let the bride vote on which is her favourite. The bride can save the artworks as a keepsake and look at them fondly over the years.

The Encore Game
Divide guests into two teams. Write the track titles for Michael Bolton's Greatest Hits (1985-1995) on separate pieces of paper and put them in a bowl. Each team draws a piece of paper and after putting it back in the bowl, has to sing at least 4 verses of that song - this goes back and forth until one of the teams surrenders or passes out from nauseatic headaches.

Another blog to visit: A Socialite's Life - Gossip served up fresh

Tall Tales from the mystical Far East

2006-03-21T23:38:00.000+08:00

So now we know what they've been putting in China's water supply all this time. Clearly the PRC government is counting on nothing less than gold medals in basketball when the Summer Olympics come to town. On the female side, there's Yao Defen who stands at 2.36 metres tall and is probably tired of saying "eyes up here buddy" whenever she meets new men. She would also be a handy addition to the swimming team as it will only take a couple of strokes for her to reach the other end of the pool.

The male side is well represented by Mongolian herdsman Bao Xishun who's been recognised by the Guinness Book of World Records as the tallest naturally-growing human being. However the ability to see over people's heads and change a lightbulb without requiring a ladder is not all it's cracked up to be.

For one thing it must be a nightmare trying to find a decent pair of pants. A quick google search for tall clothing threw up the implausible sub-category of "tall PVC clothing". Try chirping "every giant needs a pair of low slung stretch PVC hipsters" in your best sales voice and you'll see what I mean.

Well I wish Ms Yao and Mr Bao the best of luck in whatever nefarious plans the Ministry for Vertically Enhanced has in store for them. If it doesn't work out, there's always the high fashion runway. Good money and steady work for the long-legged except during Ukrainian Fashion Week.

You Like, You Buy Vol 42

2006-03-20T23:31:00.000+08:00

Oh how times have changed since Marco Polo returned from the mystical Orient laden with chests of Great Wall souvenirs and a fantastic fried rice receipe. Now it is China's turn to import European style and sensibilities by acquiring licenses with classic fashion brands. One such example is Montagut (www.montagutmode.com), which is touted by its website, as "a French successful story".

Indeed the number of little red flags it has amassed across the mainland resembles like the screenshot of some turn-based strategy game. Besides showing us its extensive range of fashion, Montagut's ad campaign is also an educational tool for the Chinese. It provides us with a valuable insight into the surly, foul-tempered malcontent that is the French stereotype.

Most of the male labour force goes to work on BMW bikes which can only mean a whole lot of unfashionably mussed hairdos in the mornings. I cannot think of a worse way to start the day.

On a social level, they're not terribly fun to be around either because of their tendency to blend into the background like small woodland creatures which means that somebody inevitably ends up getting shot or run over.

The male malaise extends to love and relationships. Damn these frigid Gallic maidens and their reluctance to get their freak on underneath a makeshift treehouse.

There are several things for a man in this position to be disgruntled about. He has Rosie O'Donnell hair, plus he's decked out like a human traffic safety system. At least his date is oblivious to his shortcomings, thanks to the wonders of a thick blunt fringe.

It seems like the only happy couples in France are the circus folk but good luck with trying to remove those in a hurry. They appear to be quite content with admiring each other's gender neutral bodies for the time being anyway.

Finally, you'll be glad to learn that letting your children play unsupervised with chandeliers doesn't always result in electrocution. Don't rule out mild shock though.

The many faces of Anna

2006-03-17T23:25:00.000+08:00

If I could tackle Anna Wintour to the ground and shove this magical fortune cookie I prepared down her throat, then we could exchange bodies for one freaky Friday. There are many lavish perks and benefits to be gained by assuming her identity. However all the couture in the world still couldn't stack up to the best part about being Anna - having access to her full range of facial expressions. Once you've got these down pat, you're pretty much set for life.

Unabashed maternal pride and love

Tacit acknowledgment that this particular dead animal is doing a somewhat competent job in keeping her warm and stylish

Feigned wide-eyed innocence upon being accused of not liking fat people

Withering scorn for fat people

Fearsome invincibility despite being riddled with bullet holes

Anxiety over forgetting to record the finale of Project Runway

Embarrassed consternation at being photographed with someone from Teen People magazine

Childish glee at witnessing the wonders of botox up close

Utter loathing and deep disgust at having to sit next to a more powerful female