Happy Lunar New Year

What are we waiting for? Let's get this thing started! You'd look slightly tetchy too if your year came around, and Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie still hadn't dropped off the low-end celebrity radar. To make things worse, a fair number of your compatriots have already started to view them as role models.


So much preparation goes into this festival that I feel exhausted just thinking about it. There's the paying of familial respects in return for money, the lighting of illegal firecrackers, the watching of abysmal variety shows, and the subsequent feasting. There's also the dreaded task of cleaning up the house and removing all the dust and grime that has built up during the last year.


On the personal grooming front, it's important to get your hair trimmed before the New Year for a fresh look. In fact your stylist, more than anyone else, will be largely responsible for the direction of your coming year. A bad cut can take the whole year to grow out and affect your entire outlook, or at the very least ensure that hats become an integral part of the your wardrobe.


Don't forget to offer up a blessing to the various deities that matter, such as the God of Wealth and his wonder dog Prosperity Pooch. Prosperity Pooch has the uncanny ability to sniff out sugar mummies and sugar daddies as well as track down freshly laundered funds for your taking.


My favourite part is the opportunity to go out and buy new clothes for yourself. I cannot think of any other holiday that encourages..nay embraces the unbridled glee involved in shopping for clothes you don't need.


How exactly will I seeing off the Year of the Rooster and ushering in the Year of the Dog? Like everyone else I imagine, by grabbing a bit of chicken and swallowing it whole to display our utter confidence in the state of our poultry.


As there is little time to spare during this 4-day binge, posting will resume on Wednesday. Wishing you a year of happiness (including fantastic shiny hair) and prosperity (such that designer goods no longer seem outrageously overpriced). Hold on to your puppies until I return!

Decoding Brazilian dress codes

Ever been invited to a party in Sao Paulo? If so, then you know exactly what I mean. They are constantly moving the goalposts when it comes to party dress codes. The only way to keep up is to follow Sao Paulo fashion week for its pronouncements on what is appropriate for social gatherings.

Black Tie

Gender equality rules so for women, this literally means a black bow tie. The classic look includes a long elegant gown. For men, shorts of the checked variety are pretty much de rigeur. I'm sorry but there is no other way.


Creative Black Tie

This dress code allows you to come up with the most creative way you can wear something black. This usually entails one or more of the following: feathers, fur or fins. Pair with an expression of supreme satisfaction at having worked this one out.

Dressy Casual

A dress is almost always involved. To make it dressy, splash buckets of paint all over it. To make it casual, carefully select shoes that clash but quite unintentionally so.

Cocktail

Short dress and boobs out. In other words, it is the same as in any other jurisdiction.

Jacket & Tie

The good news for guys here is that pants are entirely optional. This will continue to be so for some time until somebody breaks down into a quivering mess and finds the whole thing beyond unnatural. Don't look at me, I don't set the rules. I'm just telling it like it is.

Semi-formal

Start off with hair that is immaculately blow-dried and a formal, if even morticianary, approach to makeup. Accessories should also have the requisite amount of tackiness. However because the dress code is not totally formal, you are also free to unleash your most comfortable pants upon the world at large.

Casual/Informal

Minimal preparation time needed. Depending on the pattern of your duvet cover, most people find that they can roll out of bed and head straight to the proceedings.

Another blog to visit: Diary of an Obssessed Shoe and Handbag Designer - NY, Paris, Ibiza, London, Hong Kong... Check in with the Divine Miss B to see where she pops up this week!

Babies rejected by Meg Ryan

Together with her hastily scribbled observations found in the margins of their files


Fantastic sense of style. Likely to do well at staged photo-ops. Personalitywise, comes across as somewhat ignorant. Had never heard of "When Harry Met Sally". Thought "Courage Under Fire" was a brand of antiperspirant.


Cheeks to die for. Has cute Korean name - Kal-El. Coppola genes may be a problem. Constant reminder of the positively craphouse "City of Angels". Mother willing to accept Gucci bags in lieu of cash.


Highly strung and emotional. Possible addiction to meds? Has mystifying aversion to plastic surgery. Burst into tears at the sight of my lips. Ill-equipped to handle Hollywood.


Eager to travel - favourite cities are New York and LA. Favourite food is play-doh. Peppers conversation with quotes from romantic comedies. Answers seem a bit too rehearsed. Tried to hard to be adorable, quirky and funny all at once.


Good credentials but lacking in enthusiasm. Either that or trying to play it cool. Must be interviewing with other actors and actresses. Lightened up when given a squeaky rubber toy.


Strongly recommended by headhunter. Specialises in "strategic family restructurings". Overcrowding issues, no potential for advancement with present family. Looking for quick exit. May be overqualified and too senior.

Another site to visit: Pink Heather - Heaven of Dresses for Petites Like Me.

Asian Excellence Awards

For reasons not immediately apparent (nor indeed apparent after several hours of cogitation) to me, Bai Ling's breasts were invited to attend last week's Asian Excellence Awards. Due to their multiple engagements, they didn't even have time to change properly for the Sundance Film Festival.



Who knew that even D-list breasts would have such a packed schedule? However trying to associate Bai Ling with the word "excellence" is a Sisyphean task. Oh believe me, I tried and all that I could come up with was excellence in:
- accessorizing the same glittery bra with slut-tastic outfits
- getting people to know who she is without even knowing why they should
- paving an alternative career path for Chinese actresses who don't want to go down the route of playing a geisha
- timing and execution of nipple slips
- making a belt seem as superfluous as a Jackie Chan-branded panama hat that retails for 110 pounds.



If you really wanted to see Asian excellence should be rewarded, look no further than Hong Kong where we recognise and attainment in several areas. Most recently, we crowned a group of ladies for their abilities to stand or sit on the edge of a chair while their knees were bent.



We also dole out awards for various unique talents, such as best single outfit interpretation of Madonna: Fashion Medley of the 80s, 90s through to present day.



Even if you don't win though, you can still take solace in the fact that you're probably still better off than the guy next you. Whether or not his name is in that little envelope, he's already lost in a big way.



Another blog to visit: Hypersynaesthesia - the colours in your head

Fashion Roadkill of the Day: Vol 45

What I fear most about the aging process is that one day I won't be able to wear lots of pink and chalk it up to the callowness that typifies youth.



On second thought, make that lots of pink AND stripey pantaloons and then some pink.



No wait...what I really meant was lots of pink AND stripey pantaloons with a built-in waist sash thingy that forms a kicky bow and then some pink.



What will be left for me then? What reason will I have to deck myself in such a girly swirly shade of whimsy and of fluffy bunnies flirting with unicorns? If you're in the same position as me you'd better start thinking up some highly believable excuses which you can use in your old age. For now, I'm sticking with the well-proven "greying hair and incipient senility" fallback.



A selection of last week's celeb photos are up at the interweb.