Celebrity weddings in twenty years from now

WELCOME TO
THE WEDDING CELEBRATION UNITING

Sage Moonblood Stallone AND Rumor Glenn Moore-Willis
on July 1, 2025

at 3 o'clock in the afternoon

The Little White Wedding Chapel

Las Vegas, Nevada

THE WEDDING PARTY

OFFICIATE

The Honorable Kyd Duchovny

PARENTS

Demi Moore-Kutcher and Bruce Willis, parents of the bride

Sylvester Stallone and Jennifer Flahvin, parents of the groom

MATRON OF HONOR
Tallulah Belle Moore-Willis, favourite sister of the bride

BRIDESMAIDS
Heavenly Haraani Tiger Lily Hutchence-Yates, close friend of the bride

Moxie Crimefighter Jilette, close friend of the bride

Tallulah Pine Le Bon, making up the numbers

BEST MAN
Speck Wildhorse Mellencamp, drinking buddy of the groom

GROOMSMEN
Seargeoh Stallone, brother of the groom

Homer James Jigme Gere, drinking buddy of the groom

Phinnaeus Walter Moder-Roberts, drinking buddy of the groom

FLOWER GIRL

Nebraska Fanning, child actress of the moment

RING BEARER
Qabala Kelso Moore-Kutcher, half brother of the bride

USHERS
Hud Mellencamp, wingman of the groom

Eja Twain Lange, hanger on

Scout LaRue Moore-Willis, less favourite sister of the bride

Sistine Rose Stallone, most attractive sister of the groom

HOST AND HOSTESS

Ireland Basinger Baldwin, publicist of the bride

Laird Vonne Stone, publicist of the groom

CANDLE LIGHTERS

Lark Song Farrow Allen

Harlow Olivia Calliope Arquette

ex-girlfriends of the groom

FIRST READING BY

Pilot Inspektor Lee
Audio Science Clayton
rehab friends of the couple

SECOND READING BY

Aurelius Cy Andrea McPherson-Busson

Satchel Farrow-Allen

ex-boyfriends of the bride

ORGANIST

Elijah Bob Patricius Guggi Q Hewson

social acquaintance who owes a favour

STRING QUARTET
Denim Cole Braxton Lewis
Jermajesty Jackson

Prince Michael II "Blanket" Jackson
Puma Badu

friends of the couple who are musically inclined

Royal Asshat

You may recall that I gave some pertinent advice recently about big hair. Not much has changed in that respect but headwear on the other hand has taken a turn for the gargantuan. Just how big are we talking here? Well come a bit closer to the computer screen and be overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of Royal Ascot millinery. Let's try and see Sir Hillary and that sherpa try to scale that!


This kind of hat provides a feathery subterfuge from the rest of the world. Nobody can get in to harass you, but at the same time, you can't get out either - hence the vacant look of someone who has completely lost their mind in a swirling crimson maelstrom.


Look out, it's the former Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher! And he's hiding Voldemort under there!


This looks nothing like an A3 LNER Pacific steam locomotive to me. The entrance to a remote casino featuring vulgar drag queen shows, maybe, but a train, never.


I don't like the messages that are being to transmitted to outer space via this hat. It could lead THEM to believe that we are a planet composed mainly of candy stores which means we will ended up being invaded by alien invaders with sweet tooths rather than ones that swallow rodents whole.


I would be slightly glum as well, if I had accidentally decapitated my race date while trying to put my hat on this morning. It can slice, dice, cut, chop and briefly divert attetion from overly squashed breasts.


The heart warms at the sight of a woman opening her petals wide and offering up her fully bloomed flower, among other things, to the world.


It's a hat that is best worn with a guide dog. It's also a hat that makes me think that life in Sleepy Hollow would have been not so stressful if the Headless Horseman had wandered about with a big bath sponge for a head instead of a flaming pumpkin. At least you could at least take it home for some quality exfoliation if he decided to hurl it at you in a Russell Crowe moment.

If you want to follow the stylish examples above, you must first think long and hard about the sort of mammoth millinery you want. It has to fit your budget, your personality and perhaps even through your door. It's not just a matter sticking any old thing on your forehead like a post-it reminder note and sauntering out the palace doors.

Protein-rich alternatives

Now that Hong Kong Disney is no longer serving shark's fin soup at weddings, it's time! Time for the people of Hong Kong to re-evaluate their archaic eating habits. Here are some protein-rich alternatives that will make your wedding guests momentarily forget the stigma of not having shark's fin soup on the reception menu.

Whale
The Japanese have been eating it since one washed up on a beach on a bed of rice. Therefore whale consumption is kawaii! But it seems that the numbers of whale-eaters are slowly declining, with many preferring to wrap their tastebuds around the disturbing manmade flavours of weird Japanese candy.

What to do? There's all this cetacean goodness to be hunted down, fried in batter and eaten but the callow youths of Japan are not that interested anymore. This is where Hong Kong can come in and fill the demand void. One whale has the potential capacity to feed BOTH the bride's and groom's sides (and that's just the blubber alone). Partake in the birth of a new culinary heritage!

Horse
Horse racing is already such an integral part of Hong Kong life so why not add horse eating to the mix? There have been reports that the heat of a Hong Kong summer could easily kill a grown horse. I can't believe it, we are so well-positioned to become equine eaters that even our climate is a willing accomplice to this endeavour. Remember, a horse is a horse, main course, main course!

Hufu
Are you looking to try something different, and I don't mean the mystery meat that is served in airline meals? Are you the sort of dinner companion, who when handed the menu, snaps it shut loudly and commands the waiter to surprise you? Is there any part of any animal that has not yet passed through your digestive tract?

Before we get sidetracked further by this irrelevant line of questioning, sink your teeth into some Hufu, the human flesh alternative in tofu form. As faux fur and faux leather are now socially acceptable, it is only logical that faux cannibalism joins their ranks. The very informative Hufu website also revealed a few hard-hitting home truths:

If you've never had human flesh before, think of the taste and texture of beef, except a little sweeter in taste and a little softer in texture. Contrary to popular belief, people do not taste like pork or chicken.

Given China's long obssession with tofu, and Buddhist-style restaurants' long obssessions with fake meat dishes, I can see Hufu really taking off in this part of the world. Ferment it in the juices of rotting sweatswocks and it will be a sure hit. If anything it gives one the opportunity to holler out "Hufu is fake people!" at the dining table.

Quite a success

Paris was quite a success, if I do say so myself. I really scored a coup by convincing the Paris bid team to replace one of their disgraced Olympic officials with Sophie Marceau . Doesn't her heart, when laid bare, just beat with L'amour des Jeux (Love of the Games)!

There were also two other events of importance that occurred during my stay. Firstly, there was the Gay Pride march, a colourful celebration of homosexuality which gave rise to many unscripted public displays of affection.


Secondly, the shops threw open their doors for "Soldes Supremes!", "Soldissimes!" and other like-minded phrases. Suffice to say, every bitch and her owner was out in force on that day.

There was even time for a day trip to Brussels. Only a fool wouldn't travel over 300 kilometres for mussels, fries, beer, Tin Tin and Louis Vuitton chocolate.


By this point, my travel companions were quite tired and disgruntled. If it wasn't for that thing that people say about "safety in numbers" or the other thing about "no man is an island", I would have dumped them way back at Voorst-Oost-Kunst-Graaf van Schaarbeek-Pannenhuis.


Morale picked up considerably on our last day when we splashed out on a sumptuous banquet. It was like we never left home!


Although Charles De Gaulle airport was a barren wasteland where last-minute shopping opportunities were concerned, the rest of the trip home ended up being surprisingly pleasant and stress-free. Of course a lot of it had to do with the fact that throughout the flight, I kept myself comfortable, hydrated and looking very important.