I loved this woman

PARIS - Joy turned to tragedy in the early hours of the morning when Tom Cruise accidentally snapped Katie Holmes' neck while in the throes of passion. The pair of lovebirds had just announced their engagement at a packed press conference when Tom manfully grabbed Katie's hair. He then pulled her head into a clinch to prepare for a macho show of affection. However the brute force of his loving left arm against Katie's throat was too much pressure for her neck vertebrae to bear.

Shocked onlookers said that Tom was unable to hear the lethal snap of his fiancee's bones over his maniacal laughter as he described what a magnificent, extraodinary and unbelievable woman Katie was. Even as her body went limp, he continued to whisper into his lover's ear "are you OK?" and "darling, smile for the cameras". It was only after the Batman Begins star failed to respond to the words "if you don't wake up now Dakota (Fanning) is more than happy to take your place" when Tom knew that something was wrong.

Attempts to resuscitate the comatose raven-haired beauty with vitamins in a nearby Scientology tent failed. Katie was then rushed to a Scientology health unit and pronounced dead some several hours later. Upon hearing the news, which was delivered in front of another packed conference, the successful action star became instantly and volubly wracked with grief. He began screaming into his microphone: "I LOVED THIS WOMAN!! I REALLY DID!! LOVED MY WOMAN!! THE LOVE WAS REAL! I CAN'T BE LAIDBACK, I CAN'T BE COOL. WHERE IS SHE? WHERE?!? BRING HER OUT!"

The volunteer doctor who signed Katie's death certificate commented: "Everyone knows that Tom has the strength of ten heterosexual men so it is no surprise that a slender girl like Katie would break a twig while in his virile grasp - especially when such an awkward pose was involved."

It also quickly surfaced that this was not the first time that the daredevil megastar had put Katie's neck in danger. The first incident was in April, when the lovestruck twosome stepped out at the David Di Donatelli Awards. Photos were splashed around the world of Tom romantically nuzzling, then romantically throttling Katie.



At the premiere of Batman Begins less than two weeks ago, Tom squeezed Katie's neck again with overwhelming ardour, causing her to close her eyes and grit her teeth in pain.



This latest tragedy comes on the heels of Tom's increasingly violent outbursts of love which included damage to upholstery and uncontrollable facial gestures.



It is not expected that Katie's family will press charges, having waived the rights to her body or anything else to do with her in return for unlimited sushi parties on Tom's private Lear jet. Katie's publicist (who is also Tom's publicist and sister) was quick to deny her death was just a publicity stunt and added: "Katie always trusted Tom to have her best interests at heart so any neck-breaking on his part would purely have been done for her benefit. Her thetans will live on strong in the knowledge she experienced the most amazing, wonderful and exhilarating love with Tom Cruise."

In a bittersweet parting gesture, Tom has taken full control of the funeral arrangements. It promises to be a bigger production than Mission Impossible: 3 and the production team have already started scouting locations. It is rumoured that Tom has even hired the same dove, "the hardest working dove in showbusiness", that was used at Michael Jackson's acquittal.



With two failed marriages, several aborted relationships and a dead Dawson's Creek actress on his hands, it seems that Tom is just like any other straight man after all. A man who loves his women and loves them way too much.

War of the Worlds is coming soon to a theatre near you. In the meantime, you can go and watch Batman Begins.

Statistics be damned

Now and then I like to check out what's happening on the international trade scene to make sure that Hong Kong is importing enough European footwear in my size. This latest kerfuffle over Chinese textiles flooding the US and European market has got me slightly confused.

Who in good conscience could possibly be buying up these textiles? Sure the labor is cheap and efficient but have you seen the sort of stuff that the sweatshops have been churning out lately?


It is only a small sock but yet it has managed to bewilder this man, a man who is accustomed to only wearing one colour at a time on his feet. Thank god the other one got lost in the dryer otherwise his brain might explode from the sheer activity of it all.


These mannequins are more embarrassed by the jarring optical effect caused by standing together rather than by their smooth parts being on display. Just as well, because as you will soon see, it is nigh impossible trying to find some matching bottoms for these ladies.


Yes, welcome to my workplace. Every once in a while somebody accidentally matches their top with their bottom correctly and we all clap and cheer like they swept Powerball.


Extra special textiles are placed high out of reach of thieving hands. You never know when those badass grannies will zoom past in their hot-rods, you know the kind who will sleep when they're dead.


Once you enter Frump City there is no escape. The mayoress will have blocked off all exits with ill-clad torsos while her mannequin army stands menacingly on guard.


Behold, the shopkeeper's expression of shock tinged with disgust when told by the textile thugs that he must move at least one of these wearable Pantone colour charts a day.

In conclusion, I find it difficult to believe that Chinese textile exports are soaring off the charts. Are we really sure that these textiles are being exported to Europe, and not, say, back in time to America circa 1989-1993?

Father's Day gift list

What to get a father who has everything including naff pyjamas? They're a tough crowd these Dads, because not many of them are chocolate & flowers type of guys. Not to worry, I've got every type of Dad covered here in this list.

Carnivore Dad
Dad can have fun grilling his herd of animals with these fantastic Steak Brands.

Partial to Skinny Rich Blondes Dad
Paris Hilton won't stop until her musky essence is splashed over the entire world's population, including your Dad - Paris Hilton for Men cologne, who knew something so expensive could smell so cheap.

Gullible Dad
You might know how to use Dad's credit card safely, but he might not. Teach Dad a lesson about protecting his personal information online by sending him an Federal Trade Commission Father's Day card.

Chain-smoking tobacco-chewing Dad
Suck up the noxious fumes, this is one day where he gets to validate his pack a day habit.

Stainless Steel Dad
Put the feeling of cold hard steel in Dad's back pocket. Enough gadgetry to Macgyver out of any situation.

Pauper Dad
Don't just slip Dad a couple of bills to tie him over till next month, give him an entire sheet of uncut greenbacks

Executive Dad
With the Gentlemen's ball scratcher and abusive stamps, Dad can leave the stress of corporate serfdom at the office instead of taking it out on the family.

Staunch gambling Dad
Catholic doctrine playing cards - for the Dad who will clip you behind the ear for cussing but will take you along to gambling halls to keep a lookout for the police.

Syncopated Dad
There are ties and then there's the washboard tie based on a traditional Creole accordion-based musical genre. Oh there'll be lots of dancing and gumbo with this tie around.

As a last resort you can always do what they do in Germany - give Dad the gift of certainty that you are the fruit of his loins. This year, Tri-State families are in luck. Come on then, don't just take Mum's word for it!

Dropping the musical baton

Like a bong being passed around at a Fantasia movie night, so the delightful music baton has landed in my lap. I don't know much about music but I was ready to give it a go, even if I had to spend a weekend at Hong Kong Records trying to find suitably obscure indie rock bands and rare recordings of alternative folk tunes so that I could start off this post by saying....Weeeelll I guess I have a very eclectic taste in music...

However the first question had me stumped:
Total volume of music on my computer

Now why would I want to store music on my computer? That would just take up valuable space that I could use for pictures of fashion roadkill and celebrities inadvertently or advertently exposing themselves.

The next question didn't get any better:
The last CD I bought

I really didn't like how this was turning into some difficult memory game that was rapidly depleting my mental reserves. If you want to understand how hard it is for me to delve into my musical memories, then try this little mental exercise. Remember when these names meant something, because I sure as hell don't.

Jagger


Richards


Nat Cole


Stewart


Richie


McCartney

(Actually some of her designs aren't too bad but the level of disrespect shown to her stepmother can be quite appalling sometimes, don't you think)

Geldof


Presley


At that point, you can see why I really wasn't able to finish answering the questions.

Hottest must-have trendy chocolates

Rejoice ladies, there's a whole new wardrobe to go with your candy bra and g-string set.

For the first time in the history of sweets, the illustrious Salon du Chocolat decided to bring its chocolate fashion show to China. Why? Because after hearing about Louis Vuitton's phenomenal success in China, they concluded that anything that's the colour of brown sends the Chinese into a buying frenzy. Next up, the International Cowpat Trading Association hits Beijing for a week-long exhibition!

The best part about a high fashion chocolate show are the backstage antics.

Oh my god, I can't believe you're eating the couture.
Oh no, this dress is too loose for me. Can somebody chomp it down to size?
And so forth.

But enough, I know what you're here for - straight off the runway, the hottest must-have trendy chocolates of the moment!


Jazz up your appetite with a dash of dark chocolate! It is very now but it's also a great investment because it is a perennial classic that goes well with all kinds of other cocoa-based flavours.


Show off your sexy feminine side! Unique textures that are influenced by chocolate's tribal origins have become quite a popular choice. All you need are some gorgeous fillings to complete the look.


Chocolate Pocky has had a cult following for some time now, and we can certainly see why! An evening snack that is in equal parts sleek and sassy.


Fancy moulds and whimsical decorations are making a comeback. But for how long? We don't care because it makes people hunger for its vibrant retro style!


Hazelnut praline has never been hotter than this season. Not to mention there's plenty of buzz about coffee ganache. Buttercreams, truffles and liquor centres are also in. You might want to look getting some caramels too. Damn it, it's all chocolate so it's all good!

But is it really? If you look closely, you'll find that it's, uh, not just all chocolate. (possibly perhaps maybe kind of not safe for work)

You Like, You Buy Vol 28

It's been a while since piglet giftware has seen any real advancements but I'm pleased to report that SURA has managed to raise the bar with their Jojoju product line.

At first glance, Jojoju possesses features that aren't conventionally appealing - overly long ears, a forehead that is only exceeded in vastness by Tyra Banks and lack of a discernible mouth.

But like a couture model, the whole package comes together to make something highly marketable. Jojoju is so delightful I could just eat him up, preferably crumbed and fried with tonkatsu sauce. However it is very disappointing not to be able to find any charming back story about the piglet. His/her character remains as elusive as the meaning of a David Lynch movie and we are left in the dark as to why, for example, he/she likes carbs so much.



Anyway I hope that the extreme cuteness of these products will cause you to explode into throes of inexplicable high-pitched noises.

Cushion


Keyring


Cardholder


Phone strap


Mobile phone pouch


Keypouch


And the ubiquitous wrist-rest, the symbolism of which is slightly more subtle than the last one featured.