You Like, You Buy Vol 18

Hong Kong now has its own version of Sonic the Hedgehog over at GeeGeeJerJer (www.geegeejerjer.com). He also has a Quality Street assortment of friends including a rainbow bee, a rodent princess and a pig wearing a hedgehog costume. Seriously, where does he pick up all these freaks from - the public library?

There really isn't any background information about these characters anywhere on the site so you'll have to watch the flash cartoons and glean. From what I can gather, the Sonic clone seems to be the star, the quilled Insectivora wonder who can do no wrong. The pig is a C-lister who will never be good enough but by George he'll keep trying to get attention even if he ends up naked in the process. Clearly the pig is the Bai Ling of the group. The pig and the bee take turns to humiliate themselves in front of the Sonic clone, while the rodent princess stands there sighing about how dreamy the Sonic clone is.

Their main product is a fun activity book, handy for rainy days when the internet is down, cable tv is down, the dvd player and the game console are broken. Besides the usual mugs, t shirts, caps and keychains, they've produced something born out of the need for stupid ways to keep warm in cold weather. Behold the Love Glove:



It's not as cringe-inducing as Smittens but it still validates those couples who will just, you know, DIE if they have to lead separate existences. My goodness, don't you hate these symbiotic creatures, with their matching outfits, their public humping whenever they think anyone is looking and their smug "omigod you're still single, we have to fix that right away you poor thing, I know this inbred unwashed hillbilly with 2 good teeth left at work who would be perfect for you".

Despite its name, I don't think the Love Glove fulfils any contraceptive function as any couple who would wear this really shouldn't be allowed to breed. OK, that was too harsh. May they spawn multiple times and have the brattiest brats who ever bratted. See if you want to be even in the same room with each other then, suckers!

Blog of the day: Beautiful Atrocities is nominated in the best Foreign Blog category of the Asia Blog Awards.

Spend Up Big in 2005!

Awww...I'm touched, I tell you, touched to receive such a thoughtful message from one of my least favourite designers. But before you think I'm another one of their vapid VIP members, I'm not because I prefer to spend my sugardaddy's hard earned money elsewhere. Truth be told, the only reason why LV even sends me emails must be from that time I emailed customer service asking:

What the hell were your marketing guys thinking when you put J. Lo in your ad campaign? Did it not occur to you that when your highly profitable Japanese contingent demanded more crass more crass, that it was because they had difficulty with their L's and they meant more class more class? Could the money not have been spent on improving your designs instead? Do you have any idea how many times I had to hurry past those billboards on my way to work because I was so freaked out by her alienoid expression beseeching me to come closer because she had an anal probe in Damier Canvas with my name written all over it?

Although they didn't answer any of my questions, I got an autoreply thanking me for my comments and putting me on their email distribution list. Which was quite good of them really when they could have just as easily replied back saying:

70 billion cashed up mainlanders who squat outside our doors waiting for us to open every morning can't be wrong. So suck it up, bitch.

Anyway it's so typical of them to design a card that's hard, shiny and frosty like the foreheads of most of the people who shop there. Well I have my own New Year's message for you:

HAPPY NEW YEAR AND SPEND UP BIG IN 2005!

I also urge everybody to purge their consciences and start the New Year with a clean slate. No, not to me I don't want to know your filthy secrets unless they can be sold for a six-figure sum to a tabloid. Do it at comeclean.com. You'll be greeted by a pleasant female voice with a thick Indian accent, just another consequence of the outsourcing boom. You can also stop by and read what other people have confessed. If you come across one that says "I really want to be more like Tara Reid" it wasn't me!

Name that Mascot

As we approach 2005, I think it would be good for this blog to have a clearer sense of purpose and direction. This is why I spent a good part of today trying to compose a theme song for the blog.

Another initiative that I've working on is the introduction of a sufficiently cute spokesmodel, or mascot if you will. The call went out, auditions were held and the turnout was comparable to that for Season 4 of American Plush Idol. I'm quite pleased with the final selection which I feel embodies the spirit of this blog. I've seen some quite sick and twisted things during my time here in Hong Kong but nothing quite like this:



I'll try to explain it as best I can but essentially it's an octopus with Valkyrie braids and helmet, except that the helmet is more squidlike rather than horned. Here is an octopus that goes around kidnapping squids and skinning them, but not before chanting "It puts the lotion on its skin". Very Silence of the Lambs isn't it? Oh, and it also has the eyebrows of Martin Scorcese.

Eight perfectly formed appendages. Count them.



I've saved its best feature for last. Valkyrie octopii with squid headgear are a dime a dozen but what really set it apart from its peers was its orifice. It has already become very popular with all the other soft toys in my collection.


Now all I need is a name to christen this fascinating creature from the depths. This is where you come in. I really need help. Your help.

Blog of the day: Wanbro is nominated in the best Mainland China blog category of the Asia Blog Awards.

HK Bridal Special: Chapter 1

You know when I said in my profile that I have an aversion to puffy wedding dresses, please allow me to clarify. I meant puffy Hong Kong wedding dresses. Like this one:



Or this one:


And especially this one, ruched for her pleasure:


The puffier it is, the easier it is to misjudge the length of fabric needed:


I don't approve of puffiness masquerading as sartorial tourniquets either:


And certainly not as twin air bags:


Oh mine sides, how they ache so. Not from mirth mind you, but from a tulle-induced peptic ulcer. There is a street on the Kowloon side called Kimberly Road where the frills, the froufrou, the ruffles and the puffiness stretch as far as the eye can see. If you happen to be in the area, I would be delighted to explore this tawdry trail with you but we mustn't linger long. The sales assistants might mistake our curiosity for keen interest and drag us in kicking and screaming. Oh god, please no, don't take me in there. I'm too young...I have family, I have friends....I have....TASTE!!

Blogs of the day: Tokyo Times and Macam-Macam are nominated in the best Japanese blog category and best Indonesian blog category of the Asia Blog Awards respectively.

Real ASEAN Bond

Remember the R U Bond Enough contest I was harping on about some weeks ago? The finalists have been chosen so cast your vote now because voting ends on December 30. Oh how I love it when civilians vie to be crowned the next [insert celebrity here]. Reminds me of that time I entered the Danny Devito look a like contest but didn't win, not because I was female but because I had "too much" back hair.

JEAN

This is the finalist who you must vote for because he is the Hong Kong representative. Jean has an enviable bone structure but the quasi mullet has got to go. It's scruffy and when you try to tame it, the result (as seen in the second picture) is a turban that had a nasty accident with Brylcreem. In the last picture I can see Jean is trying to have a naked zen moment but the way the light catches the his perfectly coifed society dame hairdo in Sparkling Amber brings to mind a Feria hair ad. Which is probably why he says we should vote for him because he's worth it! So if you want to turn James Bond into a hair-flicking pouting nancyboy who can't hold a cigarette properly and quotes from The Truman Show, then you've got our unequivocal support Jean!

JAMES

He certainly has the right sounding name but I believe this is as far as we can take this candidate's attempt to be the next Bond. It could be the consequence of a hairline that is receding faster than my interest in this competition but that is no forehead. It is a fivehead (or a sixhead if you want to be cruel). Do we really want a Bond so devoid of imagination that he lists computers as his special skill and professes his desire to be a computer? Do we really want a Bond who looks like he's about to fall asleep in each photo and who is so lazy he can't be bothered to use CAPS or proper punctuation in his entry? All things considered he'd make a good sort of secret agent who when asked to save the world, replies "I'll be with you with a minute, right after I've finished surfing my bookmarks and had a nap".

DINESH

Dinesh, Dinesh, Dinesh. Your wide grin may indicate that you think this competition is just a big joke but there is nothing remotely funny about that pleather jacket. You are most certainly not the Fonz and even if you were that show jumped the shark when well...the Fonz jumped the shark. Your special skills are diving and dancing which is perfectly fine if you want to work on a cruise ship. Who cares if Ian Fleming (dead) and Moneypenny (a subordinate) approves of you as the new Bond. The point is, the voters won't approve when they see how you've made a mockery of this contest with your opening line: "Why do you look so pretty? I like to think I could match up to your good looks if you let me". Enough with the high comedy, Dinesh. We're not laughing with you. We're not even laughing at you. We're just not laughing dammit.

MARK

Mark has some brooding movie star looks happening but I think he needs a little help in the wardrobe department. Dressed to kill? Yeah, if you were COLUMBO. Do you even have a permit for that thing? No, not the gun, the drab brown coat. He also needs a new photographer because the lighting in the second picture manages to imbue Mark with the pallor of a Thriller extra and accentuate the telltale puckering of an inferiorly cut suit. As for the final photo, Boy George called and wants his hat back. He said you can keep the jacket. What the hell is snowbonding anyway. Is it just a fancy way of saying he is adept at building life-sized snowmen without getting his mittens wet?

ANDREW

The only dimpled chin entrant in this and I think he is going to give Jean a run for his money. However his constant state of confusion will be his downfall. Instead of being dressed to kill he winds up being undressed to kill. When asked to be suave & sophisticated he makes like he wants to engage in a high stakes game of thumbwrestling. But it is in the last photo that Andrew reveals the depths of his perplexity. It's like he's come across the largest, fakest pair of breastesses in his life ever. My god, are they real? They're moving independently from the rest of her body. It's, it's bigger than this whole room. I can't breathe. Must. Not. Look. Aargh. Cannot. Look. Away.
He also can't seem to make up his mind whether he's more like Pierce brosnan or a NZ rugby player. Or between his opening lines. I am also annoyed by the tendency to pepper his statements with all these provisos (I'll jump out a plane..with a parachute of course. I'm positive and funny..unless I'm nervous) Is he a lawyer with mad drafting skillz? Sorry Andrew, your lack of conviction shows that you just don't want to win bad enough. And who can blame you.

PONG

Even if he didn't look like a twelve year old who has never seen the sun before, I can't see Pong winning this one. While Pong may be a common name in Thailand, it's too difficult to explain to everyone else that you weren't named after a terribly addictive arcade game. I do have to praise his answers for being very succinct. While the others would take their girls to secluded romantic spots, he would prefer take his girl to "chil in his Z3". By chil, do you mean having unprotected sex and leaving a mess for Q to clean up? What are you, too cheap to fork out for a room that charges by the hour?
Finally, Pong thinks you should vote for him because he is the real ASEAN Bond. As if by invoking the name of a regional multilateral organization that will somehow lend him some credibility. Leave the politics out of this Pong and focus on diversifying your portfolio. Blue Steel, Ferrari, Le Tigre? The man has only one look for Christ's sake!

Spirit Fingers is nominated in the Funniest Blog category of the Asia Blog Awards (voting is only allowed once per day). Does anyone even care anymore? Didn't think so.

Fashion Roadkill of the Day: Vol 21

Was it cut from the same cloth as Joseph's Amazing Technihypercolour Raincoat? Watching it move through the streets is akin to a hallucinogenic diving trip through the Great Barrier Reef. If you squint really hard you can see Nemo having an epileptic seizure.



Before I saw this, I didn't think it was possible to buy a jacket that didn't go with anything. To say this coat is busy would be like saying the Middle East is troubled. It should be kept at home, hanging up on the wall as a demonstration of what happens when fleur de lys tapestry gets devoured by tv test patterns.

Which of these will win the coveted Ugliest Coat of the Year title? The decision is in your hands, folks.

Hong Kong information for earthquake and tidal wave victim appeals:
Red Cross
Oxfam

You Like, You Buy Vol 17

The art of cake craftsmanship isn't as developed in Hong Kong as in other places but we'll get there...in another 20 years or so. iCakeshop (www.icakeshop.com) is one of the few online cake shops that attempts to fill this niche by producing "special design" cakes to suit different types of cake recipients.

For the label slut


For the stalker/voyeur


For the desk-bound office serf


For the father who gambled away his kids' college funds


For the bachelor party


For the bridal shower


For this last one, I guess I should be commending the cake decorator for his/her painstaking attention to detail but I just can't help being mildly appalled.