You Like, You Buy Vol 13

What happens to all the little girls who dream of becoming princesses? Most of them eventually grow up and become responsible adults, while the rest become VIP shoppers at Pink Box (www.pinkbox.com.hk). When I first visited the Pink Box site, I knew I was going to have a lot of fun with it, and not just because of the pornesque name of the brand.

Pink Box not only makes jewellery that is all about love and romance but are keen to foist their notions of an ideal romantic relationship on us. A large part of true love apparently involves wearing a crown, which is why you will see it featured in most of their collections. The woman who fantasises about performing the traditional balcony kiss with her fair prince (who happens to look exactly like her favourite Korean or Japanese tv drama actor) on their wedding day before retiring to the royal chambers where they will proceed to make love chastely with clothes on and live happily thereafter because statistics showing that 1 in 3 marriages end in divorce, by royal decree, do not apply to royal marriages...yes this is a woman who would appreciate, or even demand, the King and Queen wedding bands.


Wonder twin powers activate! Form of: a bullimic princess! Shape of: a princely tampon!


Why is it that the king's crown looks normal while the queen's crown looks a rubber kitchen glove?

Like a moth to a flame, I was drawn to the handbags and shoes:


I actually quite liked this collection until I found out it was called My Nu Shoez.


A blatant ripoff of Louis Vuitton's monogram multicolore collection but when you think about it LV is shorthand for LOVE!

As I browsed through the site, I came across several short passages explaining the historical and cultural significance of the symbols that inspired their designs. Most times they read like a student's school report that has been plagiarised from Encarta while other times they read like Courtney Love on a bad day:
Solitaire diamond blossomy
Its smell is like teen spirit. Blossomy blooms in fiery sparkles with 0.25ct center stone that most of girls would like to pick one certainly.

Dressing with attitude

Sometimes dressing with attitude is the only way to be taken seriously. Wasn't that how Sandra Dee finally got her man at the end of Grease, by pouring her new improved big-haired badass self into tight black leather?

Tattoos

What with all the regular appointments for hairdos, manicures, pedicures, facials and massages, there's never enough free time to book in a relaxing hour under the tattoo gun. Deciding on a tattoo design is also extremely vexing for the commitment phobic because our bodies are not like etch-a-sketches which we can just turn upside down, shake a little bit and start all over again. In these respects, Sleeves Original Tattoo'd Clothing cater for the busy person who has a tendency to experience tattoo remorse. The shirts create the illusion of rough-hewn tattooed arms that would gladly partake in a barroom brawl.

The tattoo designs are a lot more thoughtful than the half-baked declarations of undying love to an ex-lover that has be lasered away or transformed into an unintelligible phrase like Wino Forever when the relationship ends after a week. Sleeves Clothing has also been endorsed by an Olympic figure skater. You might not immediately associate sportspeople who perform dainty triple lutzes while wearing crushed velour sequinned chiffon outfits with toughness but need I remind you of Tonya Harding.

Balls

How many times have you been bullied for being a timid, shrinking wallflower? If only you had one tenth of what Bea Arthur has, you wouldn't be sobbing in the refuge of a bathroom stall. And now you can, with Ballsies and their patented swinging action that boosts confidence and develops thick-skinnedness. However if the designers had any cojones they would have made the Ballsies to human instead of mouse scale and as a belt to sling around the waist. Be sure to check out the Ballsies poetry which is more oestrogen-and-red-wine rather than testosterone-fuelled.

Lost Dog

I'm on sick leave today, you know "exhaustion" and all that. In the meantime, please check your surroundings for Gisele Bundchen's little Yorkshire Terrier. You never know, dogs can end up anywhere nowadays. Check carefully, it might have entered some animal witness protection program and be disguised in the form of another animal .

Vida has been with Gisele for seven years and is like a child to her. Well almost. Poor Gisele is not taking Vida's disappearance well and things are so bad that she even had half a slice of pizza, yet the deliciousness of pepperoni and cheese cannot dull the pain.



I suspect the boyfriend Leonardo di Caprio is behind the whole affair. Anyone who looks like what the movie version of Garfield was modelled on cannot be a fan of dogs.

Thai origami

What is it with the Japanese and their inexplicable ability to come up a succinct answer for everything, including one of the most debilitating diseases? Available at where else but Target of course. It sounds like the something that the Thai government would latch on to once they have got over their fixation with origami paper cranes.

Wouldn't it be kind of scary to be chilling in your paddy field when suddenly the sky darkens and millions of pointy little birds rain down on you? I can picture all the terrified villagers run screaming into their homes with papercuts all over them. Very Hitchcockian isn't it. Instead of birds of terror, these beleaguered people need clothes! With matching accessories!

Or they could just airdrop Miss Universe into the troubled regions and she could dazzle everyone into submission, teach them to commute in ballgowns and so forth. She has already made a lasting impression on the Thai deputy prime minister. See the way he decides to shower her with presents and ignore the other 2 beauty queens who are thinking "uh hello, can you say favouritism much!". And the way he enthusiastically gestures for her to go and meet his mother. He is totally crushing on her!



OK, maybe his body language suggests that it's more than just an innocent crush and is actually veering into restraining order territory. The huge box he gave her must have been filled with very naughty origami.

Affordable luxury

Before Karl Lagerfeld and H&M there was Isaac Mizrahi and Target. All these high-end & low-end collaborations make it seem like fashion designers are doing the masses a favour when instead they are secretly having a laugh at the frugal folks' expense.



This gift-giving set comes in a colour which, no matter how they insist should be called plum glaze, can only be described as Royal Grimace. But what was Isaac thinking when he designed matching gloves that reached all the way to the forearm? Falconry is a sport for the nobility, not for the commoners. By giving this McDonaldland's castoff to somebody at Christmas, you can rest assured that it will continue to be passed on and like some kind of venereal disease, become the gift that keeps on giving.



A giraffe can clean its own eyes and ears with its 21 inch tongue. Yes, it can probably make many women with that tongue but it is essentially one of most unstylish things seen on a safari (apart from the safari suit). Giraffe print is not wildly sexy like the spots & stripes of pouncy jungle cats, nor is it wantonly cheeky like the stripes of a zebra. It just says, look at me, God designed my coat during his "reticulated and brown" phase, but please be my friend anyway.



Its wide generous legs are designed so that, in the spirit of generosity, you can share them with several of your budget-conscious friends at the same time. What exactly is so super about the super jeans? There is no way such clunky jeans are going to allow one to leap tall buildings in a single bound. You'd trip and fall, possibly suffer a concussion and it would be super embarrassing for all concerned.

Isaac Mizrahi aside, don't be put off by Target because it still remains a haven for affordable shopping and best of all, you can find virtually anything there. Really. No, seriously.

Looking for Pirelli

I've found something worthwhile to add to my list of calendar recommendations, something that's possibly even hotter than the 2005 Pirelli Calendar. Born out of the notorious Italian calendar wars that take place every November, feast your eyes on the Hot Priest calendar! By hot, of course I mean aesthetically pleasing, not burning brimstone and sulphur hot. But was it not written somewhere in the fine print of the Holy Bible that thou shall not covet thy priest's ass? So go and say 3 Hail Marys to absolve yourself from those sinful missionary thoughts.

Back on the Pirelli calendar, the chances of an ordinary person acquiring one are about as non-existent as the chances of this child growing up to be a well-adjusted human being but don't be discouraged. One can improve one's chances dramatically by trying the following methods:

1. Marry into the English royal family as they receive 6 each year. Even then it could still be difficult because I'm fairly certain that 1 is reserved for Prince Phillip, 1 for Prince William and 4 for Prince Harry.
2. Become a very influential figure in motorsports, but if you were you would have slept with all the models in the calendar so it has just about as much value as being given a calendar featuring photos of your favourite meals.
3. Buy one on Ebay for several thousand dollars. Be wary of fakes masquerading as originals. Patrick Demarchelier is a world-renowned photographer who shoots in settings like the pristine beaches of Rio Di Janeiro. He does not take photos of the town hussy in the basement in front of a wall-length poster of the beach and photoshop a supermodel's head on her body afterwards.
4. Forget about Santa, write to Bill Gates (don't e-mail) asking for one. He is on the exclusive recipient's list but somebody who is interested in paying Sting 276,000 pounds for a private performance probably wouldn't mind parting with his Pirelli calendar.
5. Good news, Naomi Campbell is featured on the calendar. Apply to become her assistant, let her viciously abuse you for a bit, then sue her for damages in the way of a Pirelli calendar.

Fashion Roadkill of the Day: Vol 16

Do you think that on some level, perhaps one that is deeply buried, waiting to be unearthed by a trichological dig, she is faintly aware that she is having a bad hair day? Hair is actually composed of dead cells but in this case there seems to be something that has bloomed in the upper right hand corner of the scalp and is valiantly clinging onto life. Even though the back of her head is more greasy and fried than a full English breakfast, it's not entirely a lost cause. It's just a matter of removing the aerosol streamers, discovering the hairbrush, realising that two-tone is best suited for the fur of cute animals and not human hair, and lopping off about 10 inches of split ends. Oh, I almost forgot the part about washing the hair. Maybe more than once a year. In fact I had to wash my own hair after looking at the picture above. Twice.



A cosmpolitan woman appreciates the cosmopolitanism of Hong Kong, Rome, Los Angeles, New York, London, Milan and Paris. Yes, in none of those cities would any of the above tops be considered even remotely fashionable.